Send In the Clowns

About the real me... Married--legally, but separated for the past 8 years according to my husband, who I still live with for economic reasons. Four kids (27, 25, 22, 18). My two oldest are drug addicts--theoretically recovering, but you could have fooled me. Married almost 30 years, 5 of them happily, 17 of them unaware, last 8 avoiding each other. We are raising our oldest daughter's son, who is 4 1/2. After 5 heart-wrenching weeks, she has recently given her baby girl up for adoption. Oh, and for the record. Yes, I see a psychiatrist for medication, I see a counselor weekly, and I have tried "God". Yes, my husband and I have seen several marriage counselors and he decided to quit treatment. Besides I was the one who needed fixing--not him. I have read enough books and articles to get a Master's in Psychology, I have tried hypnosis, NLP, I have been hospitalized (5 times), you name it, I have done it--except ECT. Must draw the line there! Please, please don't write and tell me that you'll pray for me. Been there, done that--horrible, painful, humiliating experience with church. Feel free to pray for me if you'd like, just please don't tell me!