Selh

my name is Brooklynn, I've been with my boyfriend, Phillip for about a year now and we're both 14... Last April we had unprotected sex, I didn't think anything of it because he never cummed inside of me, that was until I did some reaserch and then I got scared. I kept my worries to myself and kept telling him i was positive that I was NOT pregnant. he finally was able to calm down and not think about it, but I was still freaking out. 2 weeks later I didn't get my period when expected, then days passed, still nothing. now I really started to panic. at the end of June Phillip came over and I told him I missed my period and I never have before in the 4 years I've had it, and I was getting cramps. he laid his hand on my belly and kind of massaged it as I rested my head on his shoulder Nearly crying from the pain and worry. he knew I was pregnant at that point, but I was still in denial. A week passed and it was now July, Phillip left for cadet training camp for a month, in which he would have very limited contact with me, I promised him that id take a pregnancy test after he left to see if I actually was and the cramps and missed period weren't just from stress. I cried a lot when he was gone, I missed him so much and I was in a lot of pain from the potential morning sickness. After he'd been gone for one week I convinced my mom to drive me to town And drop me off to do some shopping, but actually I ended up going to a pregnancy support centre and Getting 2 tests. I hid them in my purse and waited till the next morning when my mom went to work so I could take them without anyone home. I stayed up most of the night crying and missing Phillip, but when the morning came I was crying even more. Both tests were positive, now I had to face the reality, i figured I was about 9 or 10 weeks, considering the timing. I surprisingly got through the next 2 weeks and I was happy I got to talk on the phone with Phillip for a few mins. Even though I had to hide my tiny Growing baby bump, but then something happened on the night of July, 18th when I was just over 12 weeks pregnant I started to bleed a lot, I was in a lot of pain and ended up laying on the bathroom floor all night, crying. I knew what this was, my baby was dying inside of me. on the morning of the 19th the baby was gone, and the bleeding had stopped, I was in shock and I didn't know what to do. a few days later I had a dream that I was cradling a baby girl in my arms, and at that moment I knew the baby I had miscarried was a girl. Thank goodness Phillip got back the following week, he came over the day after he got home...he told me that he missed me and that he loves me and he had multiple panic attack. Because he was so worried about me and everything going on. I told him and he hugged me and kissed me and held me as I cried. He told me that he was relieved that the baby was gone Because we were in no position to raise a baby at this age, but at the same time he wanted her to live because that was our daughter, no matter what age we were. We vowed to always hold her in our hearts because we were unable to hold her in our arms, I felt so empty without her, but so relieved, I was so confused and I didn't know what to feel. Phillip saw my distress and comforted me, trying to hide his own pain. We decided to name her Selh Hope DeBruin, Selh meaning pause and reflect in Hebrew, representing how we would pause and reflect on our actions of having sex and ending up in the position we were in. We chose Hope for her middle name because we wanted hope that she was in heaven and hope that everything would be okay, and lastly she would take Phillips last name because it's tradition for the child to take the fathers name. Even though she died in my belly at 12 weeks, Selh is still our daughter and she will forever be in our hearts. it's been nearly 4 months since the miscarriage, and I still find myself crying and missing her, to help with the grieving process Phillip and I carved her name into a stone and set in in the woods with flowers, as a sort of memorial, we also always have her name written in sharpie somewhere on us, so we'll always be thinking of her. rest in peace baby girl, we wish we could have met you, but remember you'll always be in our hearts and on our minds. We love you