Self Therapy

This is gonna be kinda different guys...                               As I continue on this road called my life, I begin to ask myself questions, and explore my past more and more. To find out how, why, when, I became the woman you guys know today. EAch time I ask myself why it is I feel 2 inches tall anytime someone starts yelling.. or why it is I fear females, or why it is I can't stand drunk people... I always come back to one who... my mom. So, this is going to be the first edition of what I forsee as being a mini-series, I am going to let some things out about my past, and my mother, and I ask you all to bare with me while I expose this still raw and seething mass of pain. Thanks in advance guys.   My first memory, very first is drowning in the backyard pool. SAd, I know. But that should be a clue as to how things have been so far. The whole reason I drowned in the first place was because of mom. She invited her friend Robin over, and they were cleaning what used to be our house (now its a parking lot) Well they had music going and of course they were both on the top floor. Well, to get the kids out of their hair they sent us swimming... what they didnt take into account, was i didnt know how to swim at the time. So.. as Im "swimming" I hear my brother scream at the top of his lungs for my mom... but I never saw her.. I saw him dive in after me though. -sighs- what a loving mother.  For the first 13 years of my life I barely saw her, and when I did she was molding into the couch in a chimney of smoke barking orders at the kids to do our chores. She would wake up at noon or well past, and sit on the couch smoking like a wood burning stove until sunset. When she would then get up, and get dressed real pretty to go to a local rat hole bar. She would stay out till 4 or 5 am EVERYNIGHT and then stumble in the house dunk as a skunk, and then proceed to beat the shit out of the closest person.   Many years of the same routine for her MANY times I had to watch, or hear dad being beaten on, all because she was drunk. I actually interfered a couple of times when I was small, and once when I had already reaced 15 or 16. When I was smaller I stomped down the stairs and screamed as loud as I could scream "Would you fuckin stoppit! Bobby (my brother) and I have school tomorrow!!" and would go back up to bed, and lock the door behind me. (Ha see, I am NOT stupid.) But see, when I was a teenager, I had cleaned the entire house one night, and I made a little floor pallet so that I could be right there when she got home, to surprise her with a clean house. Thinking that would make her happy, and maybe for ONE night she wouldn't pick a fight with anyone. I was wrong. She stumbled through the door, threw her keys down, and I bet you, was looking for my dad to beat on some more.   Well I had sent dad into my room, and told him to lock the door just in case that happened. Well I sat up and all I said was "Hi mom, welcome home, I love you." And you'd think she was a snake or something with as quick as she whipped around and found a target. I laid back down as she came at me. She ran at me, and in defense I raised my legs up... as soon as I felt her stomach hit my feet, I pushed with every ounce of strength I had, and threw her into the glass coffee table we had back then. A part of me was so sad because she was such an abusive person, that only pain got through to her, and the other part was cheering! Cheering because finally, maybe this would be all it took to wake her up.. I hope.   Well I knocked her out, and broke her tailbone. But I dragged her into her bedroom, and for the safety of others I put a double sided key lock in the door (like a deadbolt but theres a keyhole on Both sides) NExt day when she was trying to beat down the door, I told her the only was she's coming back out, is if she plays nice. So, she did, and I let her out. She asked me why her butt hurt, and I told her what had happened. I was so mad at her though I even let her know about the part of me that was glad I did it. -sigh- What a mother right? Just before she moved away to HAwaii......... which was another lie by the way. She told everyone it would only be a 3 month trip, and lets see this was about 8 years ago... soo yeah. I was helping her pack her things, and in the middle of it, I looked up at her and said " I know you're not coming back. I know you've never been much of a mom, but you're the only one I have. I'm losing my mom!" and I actually cried. I sat there and cried. That was a few days before her departure date, but did she want to spend that with her family? Nope. She spent it with her boyfriend du jour. And she left. Dad flew me out to see her a few times since she's been out there, and each time we butted heads, cause she'll never change. She is an idealist. One who thinks the world owes her something, thinks that life is fair, and things are governed by right and wrong. Whereas Im a realist, I know theres evil in everyone, some choose to be that side, others choose to only be a portion.  A couple years ago, I found out I was pregnant. And, when I found out, it was because I couldn't keep food down, I was dizzy, light headed, and was throwing up constantly!!! So, I was taken to the emergency room, and examined. (AFter sitting in the waiting room for 6 hours) Then they came to the conclusion that I had food poisoning, and I was pregnant. Dad of course was pissed, and hurt. I was scared, and well scared! Dad didnt talk to me, and I had never felt so alone. I guess it was dad who called my mother. I sure didnt.  So she flies into town, and after all this time she seems to think she can still tell me what to do, and I'll listen... doesnt work that way. To me, you leave me, abandon me, and you're dead in my eyes. She had abandoned me. So I'm pregnant, hormonal, scared, angry that she's here, and I let her know it. The moment she gets to the house she goes through the freezer, and bitches about the food that's in there. That it isn't good enough, and how gross and blah blah blah. (Keep in mind, this CUNT is used to eating shrimp, steak, cooked a certain way of course... this bitch could be a food critic) Anyway,  dad says we'll go shopping and pick up some stuff.. which meh ok whatever, so long as she'll stop bitching.  AS we're in the grocery store she decides to pick then to say eu nasty eu i wont eat that! eu eu eu eu eu to the point it annoyed the ever loving dog shit outta me!! and I made sure she could hear it but I said "Beggars can't be choosers, and right now, she's a beggar" Well, of course dad took her side, and they double teamed me, so I walked home. Fuck em. When I got home, I noticed there was an appointment on the calendar, but it was written in abbrieviations and I couldnt tell what it meant. So I called the number.... it was an abortion clinic. My god. We sat and talked about it. And then I sat down with the daddy 2 be.. and talked about it, and apparently at the time they all thought I should just go through with it, so I did. I didnt get the painkillers cause I felt I deserved the pain. I did.  Mom picks 2 days afterward to walk into my room and scream "You killed my grandbaby!!" and proceeds to make me feel 800 times worse than I already had. Some mother huh?  Ok, end of part 1 sorry its so long, but if you're with it this far, thanks for reading and letting me get it out.