Self sabotage .... what am I doing wrong ?
Sometimes I wonder if I am self-sabotaging myself .... I am trying to reach out and break out of my comfort zone but once in awhile the "ole" man comes back and I just wanna retract into "arms length" and "touch me not" mode. I have stopped trusting in people and words are cheap ... so easy to make promises which are broken.
So I just stopped expecting ....... and stopped reaching out. ... unfortunately .. 2 weeks I had the scare of my life when I started developing left chest pains which radiated to the neck with cold sweats and a sense of doom.... EKG was done .. which was normal ... but the pain persisted ... Cardiac enzymes sent came back to be normal... but I was not satisfied ... finally went for a heart screening and managed to hit stage 4 on the treadmill ... some slight EKG changes but otherwise the cardiologist told I just need to lose 20 kgs !! and modify my lifestyle.... it was at the those scary moments when I felt that I should try to get out of my "island" once in awhile ....
I have lost touch with a lot of my old friends and most of them moved on after they got married and have kids. And the friends that I have now .. all have their own group of friends ... so when I see in Facebook ... they are going around with their own circle of friends and have time for them but no time for me... so what am I supposed to think? Hence words and promises are cheap.I also don't do very well in a crowd ... will settle for a small group .. like 3 or 4 of us... so that we can really interact.
I am not a cocky or proud person ... warm and too trusting at times ... but now had slowly evolved into a hermit .... and anti social person... so that I will not get hurt again and not expect from others.
So I just stopped expecting ....... and stopped reaching out. ... unfortunately .. 2 weeks I had the scare of my life when I started developing left chest pains which radiated to the neck with cold sweats and a sense of doom.... EKG was done .. which was normal ... but the pain persisted ... Cardiac enzymes sent came back to be normal... but I was not satisfied ... finally went for a heart screening and managed to hit stage 4 on the treadmill ... some slight EKG changes but otherwise the cardiologist told I just need to lose 20 kgs !! and modify my lifestyle.... it was at the those scary moments when I felt that I should try to get out of my "island" once in awhile ....
I have lost touch with a lot of my old friends and most of them moved on after they got married and have kids. And the friends that I have now .. all have their own group of friends ... so when I see in Facebook ... they are going around with their own circle of friends and have time for them but no time for me... so what am I supposed to think? Hence words and promises are cheap.I also don't do very well in a crowd ... will settle for a small group .. like 3 or 4 of us... so that we can really interact.
I am not a cocky or proud person ... warm and too trusting at times ... but now had slowly evolved into a hermit .... and anti social person... so that I will not get hurt again and not expect from others.
Replies
wow, I feel exactly the same (minus the chest pain + EKG). That\'s totally why I deactivated my facebook...I simply got tired of feeling depressed + horrified by the site of other people \"living life to the fullest\" ;-) At times I also feel as though I am \"self sabotaging\" my life by being such an introvert. It\'s just so difficult for me to trust people and open up my heart. Sad thing is that I\'m still somewhat traumatized by the high school boyfriend from 1994. How sad is that?! lol (laughing to make humor of the situation). Anyway, you are not alone! xx