Self hate

I'm very devastated about everything that happened to me and I been fought so harder for my life to stay happy and stay healthy after a year ago when my relationship with my ex had been ruined by alcohol abuse with domestic violence that I had hurt that person which I never don't mean to do this and I had decided to stop drinking alcohol after I went to jail. There is lot of good and bad situations between me and the person.  I am truly sorry for my own actions and I am not blaming nobody for my mistakes and I had been going into dark times again after I tried many different ways to get my partner back into my life again so we can work together to make this work to grow a stronger relationship and seem like he just chosen not to and he admitted that he not himself even keep fears by me which I don't ever want to hurt him and I just want to show that I really care and love. I never had a true love and soulmate ever in my entire life. I never do that to my previous exes. That person is way different and he made me felt safe with him and I trust him with everything and right now all of his negative emotions impacted me and heartbroken and hurt and blaming myself! I just decided to be numb myself and using a drug.  If he would give me a second chance back together and everything will be good for both of us to work together on journey and learn new things like open up communication each others, Honest, trust, support each others, and be patient with each others feelings and emotions to help each other and I cannot do it alone without him being around me. I felt safe with him and I felt comfortable with him. I don't want any relationship with nobody. I want to spend the rest of my life with that person. I can't stop thinking of him and I can't do anything about it because he doesn't understand what true loves and happiness means to him: we had been said good morning I love you and kiss before work and on break time and before bed times we have some good memories like camping,trips, we still talk about travel together and I been talking about going on hiking and outdoor with him together. Also I love his family and my mom and my brother loves him too. I never never seen my mom said to him that he is my moms son in law for first time.  It's lot of things that me and him need get together but he chose to not talk to me. All he do is drinking alcohol and he is in dark and doesn't know what he wants to make him happy. I only know what he likes to do with his life and he wants me to be happy because I am a good person and I love him so much that he has no idea how much I like to do and help him out with his life and his family because he has been through so hard time with his previous relationship before me and him met. He said I only one person met his family and he taught me how to cook bbq and how to change oil in the car and he never seen anyone do that to him. He was so happy that I did decorate Christmas teee and lights even valentines days was amazing and our first camping trip together was amazing.  I also got him a big surprise birthday party last year and got his best friend came to surprise him and he was so happy and tears.   I wanted all of things with him to be back and be happy again. So right now I am lonely, emotional, isolated, not feeling good with my body, hurt, using drugs (temporary).  All I pray is that he is always welcome to come to me and give me a big hug and smiles. I want to be hold him to make me feel better and to make him feel better about what we're going through in the next chapter of our life together.  That's my goals to get everything to solve the problems and work together.  I just wishing someone would talk and understand what I am trying to do and what is going on with my life right now because I'm not doing nothing wrong and I'm just really tired and tired of being alone and being so negative towards myself because I'm not gonna do anything to make myself feel better