Self-Centring Torture Chamber
Maybe there's some point to typing this out, but I'm not yet sure.
I'm currently sick of who I am and I'll try to give some insight into as to why.
I don't want to hear "it's the depression talking" or any other simplified, lazy way of trying to explain what's going on.
It has to be a combination of things; my biological chemistry; childhood development with learned behaviours and the conditioning from the environment, etc; the nature of how life works here on Earth in relation to our solar system; the soul's desire to expand itself through lesson's needing to be learned; and so on.
It's more than just chemicals acting up.
So then, the 'Self-Centring Torture Chamber' -
This is the path (or at least one path) to how this comes to be -
* Being self-centred yet to have no desire to live for oneself
* Anger, resentment, bitterness, etc for having to live for oneself - to be 'alone'
* Apathy/loss of interest towards anything or anyone.
* Absence of 'positive' emotion - dominance of 'negative' emotion
* Self-neglect - physical and mental
* Isolation (eg. locking oneself away in a house)
* Fine tuned destructive beliefs/thought patterns
That's the best I can do to explain it for now, but you can see how, at any of these points, the cycle begins and the torture chamber is created. Seeking help from others is necessary, but there's that resistance to it. Plus a lot of this is self created and can only be undone by the one creating it.
Anyway....I'll leave it at that.
I'm currently sick of who I am and I'll try to give some insight into as to why.
I don't want to hear "it's the depression talking" or any other simplified, lazy way of trying to explain what's going on.
It has to be a combination of things; my biological chemistry; childhood development with learned behaviours and the conditioning from the environment, etc; the nature of how life works here on Earth in relation to our solar system; the soul's desire to expand itself through lesson's needing to be learned; and so on.
It's more than just chemicals acting up.
So then, the 'Self-Centring Torture Chamber' -
This is the path (or at least one path) to how this comes to be -
* Being self-centred yet to have no desire to live for oneself
* Anger, resentment, bitterness, etc for having to live for oneself - to be 'alone'
* Apathy/loss of interest towards anything or anyone.
* Absence of 'positive' emotion - dominance of 'negative' emotion
* Self-neglect - physical and mental
* Isolation (eg. locking oneself away in a house)
* Fine tuned destructive beliefs/thought patterns
That's the best I can do to explain it for now, but you can see how, at any of these points, the cycle begins and the torture chamber is created. Seeking help from others is necessary, but there's that resistance to it. Plus a lot of this is self created and can only be undone by the one creating it.
Anyway....I'll leave it at that.
Replies
I wish I could break things down the way you did here, well thought out and said Lee. Just wanted to say hi !
I suppose what ends up happening from all of this is depression sets in.. bordom.. then depression.. I agree with all that you\'ve said.. it\'s amazing what a powerful impact our informative years and the rest of childhood have on the rest of our lives..I struggle with many of these things as well..especially now more then ever.. Im to start trauma therapy soon and Im hoping it will make a difference.. sorry you are going through such a rough time Lee.. . you wrote what my pdoc told me I HAVE to become more aware..x
I wish they had easy notifications for people commenting on the journals here...anyways.
Hey Sini! Hope the good is staying with you on your end :)
Jan, I find it helps to try and recall what\'s being said out loud or what\'s going through your mind, emotions and so forth, when you\'re going through a bout of deep depression or struggling in some shape or form with something. Then look to make a record of it somehow. I feel blessed to have vivid memories and a good memory of my episodes, to go back to and explore through therapy. I keep getting more of the pieces as I go along. Takes time.