Selective Memory
How easy and convenient it seems to be that once he's gone I forget about all the bad things we had. All the anger and distrust I had toward him. Feeling all the time that I was undesirable and unattractive. Those feelings were always present and that's not a good way to feel. Sure I miss all the fun times we had together, but that was more often than not when we went away somewhere. Away from the reality that had become our marriage. We didn't have anything to talk about anymore. I should have seen it coming. How many times did I tell him I felt invisible over the last 6 months? It just wasn't enough that I wanted it to work.
All the times I was feeling so insecure and he constantly reassured me that he loved me and that our life together was all he wanted. Well, he just isn't the great guy I've always believed he was. He's a liar that didn't have the balls to tell me how he really felt or what he really wanted for his life. I keep asking myself when he really checked out of this marriage, but does it really matter? Does that make a difference on how I felt about the marriage? I don't know the answer to that. I guess I feel kind of foolish - believing that your half of a whole then realizing that your just a half. Whatever! I've got to stop revolving my feeling around what HE did, how HE felt. HE is gone and I am here!
All the times I was feeling so insecure and he constantly reassured me that he loved me and that our life together was all he wanted. Well, he just isn't the great guy I've always believed he was. He's a liar that didn't have the balls to tell me how he really felt or what he really wanted for his life. I keep asking myself when he really checked out of this marriage, but does it really matter? Does that make a difference on how I felt about the marriage? I don't know the answer to that. I guess I feel kind of foolish - believing that your half of a whole then realizing that your just a half. Whatever! I've got to stop revolving my feeling around what HE did, how HE felt. HE is gone and I am here!
Replies
Yep. It\'s natural to wonder how in the heck you didn\'t see it before. I certainly was blind to lots of things. Even now, one nice thing that I KNOW his atty told him to do and I think maybe he\'s not the narcissistic asshole I KNOW he is.
We will be fine-better than ever. My counselor told me to take it easy on myself-this is 27 years of my life, not a high school breakup.
Stay strong :)
Getting close to a year for me, and I still ask myself how I didn\'t see it coming. I think this is normal, and I doubt we will ever get the answers we need because they will never be a good enough answer
If and when you figure out the \"answers\" -- the questions won\'t matter anymore. It\'s all part of the process and it takes time, distance and (minimal or) no contact to get there.