Seeking support and advice
Our adult son and his wife completely estranged themselves out of our lives as soon as our first blood grandchild was born. The problems between us began shortly after she announced her pregnancy and from that point on, they both became nasty and hateful with us, picking on everything we wrote or said, twisting it around and creating turmoil that didn't exist between us from when they were dating, through their wedding and up to the time they announced the pregnancy. We tried to apologize for whatever it was we did or didn't do and it quickly escalated into a damned if we do and damned if we don't situation.
There is a little history here with our daughter-n-law that I need to divulge. She has an 11 year old son from a previous marriage. That child has no relationship with his father's extended family (i.e., grandmother, aunts, uncles and cousins, all who live in the same town as them). That child sees his father under direct supervision only, at the house and only when convenient for our daughter-n-law. We always knew that the child didn't have those relationships with his relatives but didn't make it our business.
When we decided to distance ourselves from them during the last few months of the pregnancy, we did so because we believed they weren't talking to us and felt that since she was considered high risk pregnancy with high blood pressure, it was best because all we seemed to do when contacting them was to upset her. We also reached out to the older child's family to ask them about their experience with our daughter-n-law in light of their estrangement from that child and were told that our daughter-n-law is very controlling, manipulative and feels everything is either her way or the highway. They were treated pretty much the mirror image of the way we were and it all finally made sense to us. The previous in-laws to our daughter-n-law finally got to the point that they no longer wanted to be controlled, manipulated and abused just to have a relationship with their grandson. They still have their son, the father of that child, in their lives, but not the child because of the visitation issues. He is not a danger to that child, but evidently, doesn't want to stir the pot by petitioning the court for better visitation rights.
We were also accused of the fact that we would play favorites between the 2 kids, which we wouldn't because to us, the older boy was our grandson and everything we did with them, we always had that's child's interests at heart. To no avail, we have been verbally and emotionally abused now by both our daughter-n-law and our son. After them not talking to us for months, when it was time for the baby to be born, we were invited to be there for the birth, but forewarned that we were not to cause any problems. Besides living over an hour away on a Thursday evening, me not being able to take the following day off of work and having to worry about letting out 5 dogs to do their thing so they wouldn't mess the house, it was very difficult to plan on being at the hospital for the birth. With that, they told us we were very crappy for not going just because it wasn't convenient for us. we were more than willing to visit the baby at their home the following weekend, but it wasn't good enough for them.
Our son refused to even speak to us on the phone so all they would do was send ugly txt messages about our behavior. I tried texting back with apologies and telling them we loved them, but it just got worse. I finally admitted via text message that we were just as heartbroken at the thought of not having a relationship with our grandchildren, just like her previous in-laws still are and admitted that we met with them. Sadly, the next text messageaccused us of being underhanded and conniving and that we were wrong for intruding into their lives. With that, we were told we lost a son and a grandson. He quickly changed his email address and blocked all family members from calling his number. I've sent letters apologizing for whatever we did and asking for healing and forgiveness, but have only been met with silence.
To try to turn this negative situation into a positive one, I started volunteering as a baby cuddler at our local children's hospital in the Neo Natal Unit. It's helped me tremendously, but not quite enough. Thank you for any support or advice you can offer.
<a href="http://www.dailystrength.org/people/4264997/goals/172673/better-parent"><img border="0" alt="DailyStrength - Free Online Support Groups" src="http://www.dailystrength.org/components/com_goals/tasks/goal_badge.php/_l/ZzoxNzI2NzN8cDoxfGM6Ynx1OjQyNjQ5OTd8dDoxNDA5NTg3MzIw"/></a>
There is a little history here with our daughter-n-law that I need to divulge. She has an 11 year old son from a previous marriage. That child has no relationship with his father's extended family (i.e., grandmother, aunts, uncles and cousins, all who live in the same town as them). That child sees his father under direct supervision only, at the house and only when convenient for our daughter-n-law. We always knew that the child didn't have those relationships with his relatives but didn't make it our business.
When we decided to distance ourselves from them during the last few months of the pregnancy, we did so because we believed they weren't talking to us and felt that since she was considered high risk pregnancy with high blood pressure, it was best because all we seemed to do when contacting them was to upset her. We also reached out to the older child's family to ask them about their experience with our daughter-n-law in light of their estrangement from that child and were told that our daughter-n-law is very controlling, manipulative and feels everything is either her way or the highway. They were treated pretty much the mirror image of the way we were and it all finally made sense to us. The previous in-laws to our daughter-n-law finally got to the point that they no longer wanted to be controlled, manipulated and abused just to have a relationship with their grandson. They still have their son, the father of that child, in their lives, but not the child because of the visitation issues. He is not a danger to that child, but evidently, doesn't want to stir the pot by petitioning the court for better visitation rights.
We were also accused of the fact that we would play favorites between the 2 kids, which we wouldn't because to us, the older boy was our grandson and everything we did with them, we always had that's child's interests at heart. To no avail, we have been verbally and emotionally abused now by both our daughter-n-law and our son. After them not talking to us for months, when it was time for the baby to be born, we were invited to be there for the birth, but forewarned that we were not to cause any problems. Besides living over an hour away on a Thursday evening, me not being able to take the following day off of work and having to worry about letting out 5 dogs to do their thing so they wouldn't mess the house, it was very difficult to plan on being at the hospital for the birth. With that, they told us we were very crappy for not going just because it wasn't convenient for us. we were more than willing to visit the baby at their home the following weekend, but it wasn't good enough for them.
Our son refused to even speak to us on the phone so all they would do was send ugly txt messages about our behavior. I tried texting back with apologies and telling them we loved them, but it just got worse. I finally admitted via text message that we were just as heartbroken at the thought of not having a relationship with our grandchildren, just like her previous in-laws still are and admitted that we met with them. Sadly, the next text messageaccused us of being underhanded and conniving and that we were wrong for intruding into their lives. With that, we were told we lost a son and a grandson. He quickly changed his email address and blocked all family members from calling his number. I've sent letters apologizing for whatever we did and asking for healing and forgiveness, but have only been met with silence.
To try to turn this negative situation into a positive one, I started volunteering as a baby cuddler at our local children's hospital in the Neo Natal Unit. It's helped me tremendously, but not quite enough. Thank you for any support or advice you can offer.
<a href="http://www.dailystrength.org/people/4264997/goals/172673/better-parent"><img border="0" alt="DailyStrength - Free Online Support Groups" src="http://www.dailystrength.org/components/com_goals/tasks/goal_badge.php/_l/ZzoxNzI2NzN8cDoxfGM6Ynx1OjQyNjQ5OTd8dDoxNDA5NTg3MzIw"/></a>
Replies
I am so thankful for finding this website. I am already feeling the love and support and my spirits have been lifted.