Seeing other kids and hurting inside
Today was a horrible day for me. It was our sons' Great Grandmothers 80th birthday celebration so the hole family gathered together to celebrate this wonderful WONDERFUL woman who I adore so much but I couldn't help but look around the room and notice the children... four children in all, one was our boy who we had after two years of marriage, then there was a little boy and a little girl both born to young parents fresh out of high school, unmarried and struggling to make ends meet neither one planned they were just an OOPS! then there was the baby, our Jeremy's cousin born only a few weeks before Jeremy to a couple married for 7 years and conceived on the first try, I just couldn't bare to look at this little baby or his mom today, seeing him, hearing him cry, seeing his mom so lovingly nurse her baby boy, It just made me long for Jeremy and I wanted so badly to leave... people were coming up to me, hugging me, giving their condolences and asking how I am, all I could say was 'I'm alright' or 'so so' when inside I was screaming I FEEL LIKE SHIT! My head is all messed up, I'm hurting so bad and this newborn that has been dropped beside me is only making me feel worse! I tried so hard to hold back my tears but I just couldn't, my eyes started to water and the tears flowed, I tried to keep my head down so no one would see my pain but all I could see were a circle of feet surrounding me. I know most of them were busy talking and they didn't even notice me but I could still feel them looking at me.
I managed to compose myself and make it through breakfast, then after the baby's father came over and sat with me. " I wanted to bring William over to see you but then thought I would just give you some time." He said "Thank you" I replied, and I understood... He gets it! He understands that it's painful for me to see them so happy when all I can be is so sad.
We left the party and did the last of our Christmas shopping and the strangest thing happened, we were looking at the walmart bin of games and movies when this lady came up beside me pushing a carriage and I had this feeling of discomfort as if this woman and baby had the PLAGUE and I couldn't look at them or let them near me, it was so unnerving and so was having to walk past the baby section of the store and remembering shopping there for Jeremy's change table.
At last our shopping was done and we were invited back to my in-laws for supper with the family. I really shouldn't drink, I know it's starting to become a coping mechanism that's just not working anyhow but the wine was flowing so well and with that came tears, you see many years ago my Sons Great Grandmother had an Angel baby too and no one spoke of her till now, Great Grandpa did the same thing we had done, he built the casket for his little girl.. they KNOW what we are going through and it makes it harder still because our Jeremy was named in honor of his Great Grandpa Remi. they try to talk us trough this pain but it just seems to make my me cry more, but I think the most upsetting part of the day was when we were leaving tonight, the new proud Grandpa of baby William was there and giving me a goodbye hug and she said to me " Be strong, you know my mother lost 6 babies." I swear it was all I could do to keep my body from just falling to the ground in despair. "WHY! WHY tell me this!?!" I said. Don't people realize they are not helping!?
I managed to compose myself and make it through breakfast, then after the baby's father came over and sat with me. " I wanted to bring William over to see you but then thought I would just give you some time." He said "Thank you" I replied, and I understood... He gets it! He understands that it's painful for me to see them so happy when all I can be is so sad.
We left the party and did the last of our Christmas shopping and the strangest thing happened, we were looking at the walmart bin of games and movies when this lady came up beside me pushing a carriage and I had this feeling of discomfort as if this woman and baby had the PLAGUE and I couldn't look at them or let them near me, it was so unnerving and so was having to walk past the baby section of the store and remembering shopping there for Jeremy's change table.
At last our shopping was done and we were invited back to my in-laws for supper with the family. I really shouldn't drink, I know it's starting to become a coping mechanism that's just not working anyhow but the wine was flowing so well and with that came tears, you see many years ago my Sons Great Grandmother had an Angel baby too and no one spoke of her till now, Great Grandpa did the same thing we had done, he built the casket for his little girl.. they KNOW what we are going through and it makes it harder still because our Jeremy was named in honor of his Great Grandpa Remi. they try to talk us trough this pain but it just seems to make my me cry more, but I think the most upsetting part of the day was when we were leaving tonight, the new proud Grandpa of baby William was there and giving me a goodbye hug and she said to me " Be strong, you know my mother lost 6 babies." I swear it was all I could do to keep my body from just falling to the ground in despair. "WHY! WHY tell me this!?!" I said. Don't people realize they are not helping!?
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