Seeing my son Byron

It's intense. I go through all these days, AS IF, and then I see Byron. I went to his house in Portland for dinner. Yeah, he wrote an email to all of us, saying Hey Fammies, let's have some supper! So we have these lovely little get-togethers. I'm not being sarcastic, I'm totally in love with the idea and the people. Byron and his Caitlin, my brother Nick and his amazing wife Annie, and me and Drew. We had such a nice evening.
But here's how it begins. I arrive with all the salad stuff. Before I even can say hi to everyone in the living room, Byron and I are in the kitchen... making the salad. He and I get right down to the heart of the matter: how are we.. How are we coping... What dreams have we had... What do we do when the feelings are overwhelming... What is the take-away from each of these challenges and heartbreaking crises... What should we do about it all... should we see a therapist... should we call each other up... 
I think the most beautiful thing is not that we have any of the answers but that we ask each other the questions. That we know how we both are going through such hell, such awful moments. Byron said that he had a dream, probably because the trees are changing color... it's so evocative of the woods where we used to live... he said that in his dream he and Andy were walking down the driveway in the woods, with their arms around each other. A beautiful bittersweet dream.
I am so grateful that I have one other person on this earth (besides you all, who know the mom's point of view) who misses Andy the way I do. If I didn't have that, I think my wheels would really come off. I only see Byron about every 2 or 3 weeks but wow it is so incredibly precious, every minute of contact. I am trying to not crowd him... to find a balance of 'being here' for him but not make it about me. From others who have grieving children for their beloved only sibling, what else should I be doing??
I think one of the reasons we cry when we get together is that we hurt for each other. When I am on my own, acting 'as if', I get along. I know Byron is hurting and grieving, but then when we connect, I am feeling all of my grief, fresh and awful, along with how sad I am for him. Being sad for your child who is alive is almost like doubling the grief. It is. One thing I said to him tonight that I think was helpful was that even though it is hard to believe right now, we HAVE to take all that thousands of others have said and believe it to be the truth: someday we will be able to breathe through this loss, to feel our grief within the big picture of life, to miss Andy without such excruciating pain. Sorrow as part of the gratitude for our lives.  Byron said yeah it must be true. We looked at each other with tears in our eyes. It's nice to hope that this will be. Thank you for helping me to hold this hope. 

Replies

AnnM
AnnM

So wonderful that you can speak and share of the loss of Andy...even though from different perspectives and relationships, the loss is still profound and still so raw...and you are right in time you will not be so blasted with the loss...somehow it folds into your life and becomes a part of each of you--never leaving you, but part of your core....one of the best parts.
Take care,
Ann
KandL
KandL

Dear Sharon, you certainly raised 2 amazing sons. Eddie was my only child, but I do have a very close relationship with my grandchildren who are young adults. They are a blessing. We see each other often & check in to see how we are coping. It is painful to see their grief & I so want to ease their pain. But I thank God that the three of us have each other to process our grief with & I\'m happy that my grandchildren look to me for comfort. I too have hope that eventually the grief won\'t feel like we got hit in the head with a two by four. I know there will always be a hole in my heart but I hope one day the grief will lighten. Here\'s to hope! Love to you & Byron and of course Andy. Linda
Livingjuicy
Livingjuicy

What a blessing to have Bryon and you be able to connect on such a deep, deep level. My dear late mom used to say that all she ever wanted to do was to lighten our load and I suspect we all feel this way, don\'t we? I know with every fiber of my being that time is a healer because I do not believe that any of us can stay in the acute grief stage for too long... we\'d implode. I watched my own mother and others and saw that they had something that I yearned for and knew would be mine if I\'d allow myself all the seasons of grief. It was a peacefulness in their eyes, sweet memories coming in, a gratitude for the years that they had their children and an anticipation of when they be reunited again. I find myself in somewhere in the \"mix\" of all of this and cycle and recycle through it all. Yet, I believe that this glimpse of peace can all be ours in time. Gentle care to our grieving mother\'s hearts and our sorrow over watching our other children in pain too. Somehow we are making it one nano moment at at time. Our eyes upon the stars and our feet beginning to feel softness under them once again and not shards of broken glass... this is our HOPE and our prayer. Loving thoughts to you today dear friend and thank you for your thoughtfilled journal. It\'s not quite noon yet is it? :) XO Joanie
deleted_user
deleted_user

I am so glad you and Bryon can talk about his brother and the loss, you both share. Chad, was the oldest of my two sons. Mark and he were opposites, in every way. But, they loved each other, as I suppose brothers do. Being an only child, myself, I have to guess. Mark never talks about Chad, unless I bring it up. It\'s hard for me to know if I should push or let him start, when he is ready. Sounds like you and Bryon are able to talk freely to each other. That is a blessing...Wishing you the wisdom, you need. The rest of us, too. Hugs. GAy
DunneL
DunneL

Yes, as Linda wrote, you certainly raised two amazing sons. Somehow, with love, the pain always seems to be proportional to the love. It\'s so wonderful that you and Byron have each other, even though, because of, the intensity of your feelings. Be well.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I am so glad you have someone to talk to about Andy. Whenever I talk about Jay\'s passing or how sad I still am, the discomfort of those in my presence is evident. I am so glad I have all of you, don\'t know what I would do, go crazy I guess.
Pam
CorriesMom
CorriesMom

What a blessing for both you and Byron to have each other. I, also can share with Corrie\'s two sisters (and my husband, though he\'s more uncomfortable with it) the excruciating pain we each feel under the \"normalcy\" of our day to day lives. I think just getting it out there by talking helps to objectify your feelings so you can face them square in the face.

Like you, I choose to trust those further along on this journey that there will come a time when we can remember and smile that Andy and Corrie continue to be part of our lives. Even now, just short of 15 months after losing Corrie, I do have moments when I can giggle over some silly Corrie incident. The moments are fleeting but there nonetheless.

Here\'s to an okay Thursday for you.

Blessings and peace ~ Debbie
Abotsd
Abotsd

Well, our children will always be part of our family, for generations to come. My mother had lost a brother while he was young, (a suicide) and his name was mentioned, his gifts were precious (his cigarette holder, his copies of Byron\'s poems, and my mother\'s love for him. Our Jacob is mentioned all the time in our home. We all miss him too much. The unreality of not seeing the body, the grave, the funeral is passsing. My young son did get to the grave in Jerusalem, and put 5 little stones there for the rest of us. He took his brother\'s children out for pizza. What more can we do? A lifetime for his children without their father. Worse for them than for me and my husband whose future is so short.
KandL
KandL

Hi Sarah, Sorry, in my above entry I called you Sharon. Have a peace-filled day & evening. Hugs, Linda
inmemoryofhattie
inmemoryofhattie

The love that you created in your family is amazing...and will always be, except, I hope at some point in the future a love without so much pain. for each of you and all of you....

When catastrophe strikes and forever changes\"normal\" ,perhaps we then must seek other roots to hold us close.

I think of you often, I pray for peace for you, and all yours....
deleted_user
deleted_user

Sarah sounds like you have two amazing sons and so glad that you are there for each other. I lost my baby and only son but my daughters have been wonderful. this journey that we have to travel is unspeakable enough and family and fmo family are my saving grace.hugs Bev
deleted_user
deleted_user

Sarah, as I listen with tears flowing, I remember asking My Savior for \"one more moment\". But one more wouldn\'t be enough....You have raised two wonderful son....Always in my prayers for peace....
deleted_user
deleted_user

Oh, I\'m so glad I read this entry. I feel the same way with my son here. Josh and Nic were so close, and I know Josh misses his brother/best buddy horribly. But I don\'t know what to do to help him. He doesn\'t want to talk about it, however, and i feel like he stays away because being with us brings him pain. So I am the one that tries, and I keep trying. We take him out to dinner, and try to keep the conversation light. I send him inspiring or funny texts. It\'s good - we talk. But I SO wish he would talk about his feelings. I wish I could know, really know, where he is in this journey.