Seeing my son Byron
It's intense. I go through all these days, AS IF, and then I see Byron. I went to his house in Portland for dinner. Yeah, he wrote an email to all of us, saying Hey Fammies, let's have some supper! So we have these lovely little get-togethers. I'm not being sarcastic, I'm totally in love with the idea and the people. Byron and his Caitlin, my brother Nick and his amazing wife Annie, and me and Drew. We had such a nice evening.
But here's how it begins. I arrive with all the salad stuff. Before I even can say hi to everyone in the living room, Byron and I are in the kitchen... making the salad. He and I get right down to the heart of the matter: how are we.. How are we coping... What dreams have we had... What do we do when the feelings are overwhelming... What is the take-away from each of these challenges and heartbreaking crises... What should we do about it all... should we see a therapist... should we call each other up...
I think the most beautiful thing is not that we have any of the answers but that we ask each other the questions. That we know how we both are going through such hell, such awful moments. Byron said that he had a dream, probably because the trees are changing color... it's so evocative of the woods where we used to live... he said that in his dream he and Andy were walking down the driveway in the woods, with their arms around each other. A beautiful bittersweet dream.
I am so grateful that I have one other person on this earth (besides you all, who know the mom's point of view) who misses Andy the way I do. If I didn't have that, I think my wheels would really come off. I only see Byron about every 2 or 3 weeks but wow it is so incredibly precious, every minute of contact. I am trying to not crowd him... to find a balance of 'being here' for him but not make it about me. From others who have grieving children for their beloved only sibling, what else should I be doing??
I think one of the reasons we cry when we get together is that we hurt for each other. When I am on my own, acting 'as if', I get along. I know Byron is hurting and grieving, but then when we connect, I am feeling all of my grief, fresh and awful, along with how sad I am for him. Being sad for your child who is alive is almost like doubling the grief. It is. One thing I said to him tonight that I think was helpful was that even though it is hard to believe right now, we HAVE to take all that thousands of others have said and believe it to be the truth: someday we will be able to breathe through this loss, to feel our grief within the big picture of life, to miss Andy without such excruciating pain. Sorrow as part of the gratitude for our lives. Byron said yeah it must be true. We looked at each other with tears in our eyes. It's nice to hope that this will be. Thank you for helping me to hold this hope.
But here's how it begins. I arrive with all the salad stuff. Before I even can say hi to everyone in the living room, Byron and I are in the kitchen... making the salad. He and I get right down to the heart of the matter: how are we.. How are we coping... What dreams have we had... What do we do when the feelings are overwhelming... What is the take-away from each of these challenges and heartbreaking crises... What should we do about it all... should we see a therapist... should we call each other up...
I think the most beautiful thing is not that we have any of the answers but that we ask each other the questions. That we know how we both are going through such hell, such awful moments. Byron said that he had a dream, probably because the trees are changing color... it's so evocative of the woods where we used to live... he said that in his dream he and Andy were walking down the driveway in the woods, with their arms around each other. A beautiful bittersweet dream.
I am so grateful that I have one other person on this earth (besides you all, who know the mom's point of view) who misses Andy the way I do. If I didn't have that, I think my wheels would really come off. I only see Byron about every 2 or 3 weeks but wow it is so incredibly precious, every minute of contact. I am trying to not crowd him... to find a balance of 'being here' for him but not make it about me. From others who have grieving children for their beloved only sibling, what else should I be doing??
I think one of the reasons we cry when we get together is that we hurt for each other. When I am on my own, acting 'as if', I get along. I know Byron is hurting and grieving, but then when we connect, I am feeling all of my grief, fresh and awful, along with how sad I am for him. Being sad for your child who is alive is almost like doubling the grief. It is. One thing I said to him tonight that I think was helpful was that even though it is hard to believe right now, we HAVE to take all that thousands of others have said and believe it to be the truth: someday we will be able to breathe through this loss, to feel our grief within the big picture of life, to miss Andy without such excruciating pain. Sorrow as part of the gratitude for our lives. Byron said yeah it must be true. We looked at each other with tears in our eyes. It's nice to hope that this will be. Thank you for helping me to hold this hope.
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