Secretions

A friend of mine told me once that the best baby gift for anyone would be a laminating machine.  Because he said that the first few months of a baby's life could be summed up in one word: secretions. I am getting a head start. A couple weeks ago we went to get a sonogram; I always look forward to seeing the babies, but I'm starting to develop an aversion to the appointments because, well, I always throw up.  Apparently I am one of those people who just cannot lie on her back and have her belly pushed on.  They tell me, "As soon as you start to feel bad, let us know and we'll stop immediately."  But I start to feel bad the second I lie on my back.  I want to give it my utmost.  And then my utmost has vomit on it. It happens like this.  I grit my teeth and try to watch the picture of the babies on the screen (always perfect, I am relieved to say).  But I want to close my eyes and do some deep breathing to just get through it.  At some point I tell James to get my emergency plastic bag out of my purse.  He hands it to me and I get it ready as I lie on my left side, which is supposed to allay the nausea.  And then I throw up.  And the ultrasound tech darts out of the room. We thought she was going to go get a nurse or somehow do something useful, but no.  When she came in this last time, she explained that whenever she sees someone puke, she pukes herself.  So she just leaves as a matter of self-preservation.  That leaves James alone to deal with my secretions. I've mentioned my pregnancy-induced incontinence.  I pee in my pants whenever I throw up.  But when I'm sitting on an exam table in anticipation of a vaginal ultrasound, I am pantsless.  So I pee on the table.  Just like my cat at the vet.  I soak through that paper on a roll.  It disintegrates. This time James really had to scurry.  My emergency vomit bag (plastic grocery bag) had a hole in the bottom and was leaking onto the sheet.  And of course, I had a hole in the bottom and was leaking onto the table.  And throwing up makes my eyes water and my nose run.  I think this was all the fluid-related orifices.  I wonder what could have come out my ears, if anything could. James found a couple cloth towels and ripped open a box of paper towels.  I used a lot. Oh, and did I mention I had a yeast infection?  I'd been diagnosed the day before at the regular OB's office, and so when I came in to the high risk guy for the ultrasound, I was full of my normal extra-stinky vaginal secretions plus the overnight anti-yeast cream.  Just didn't want to omit that part. All in all, when I left the doctor's and went home to take a shower, this is what I cleaned off myself: -snot-vomit-tears -pee-ultrasound gel-yeasty vaginal secretions-yeast infection cream-probably some food spilled on my belly Yep. And that's just the beginning.  Because then I got a cold.  It's been going on two weeks now, and besides the misery of sore throats and not being able to breathe, here's what else it brings to the party: -vaseline (to put on the inside of my sore nostrils)-anbesol (to numb my nostrils when the vaseline didn't work any more)-blood mixed in when I blow my nose, from my raw nostrils -chloriseptic-Delsym cough medicine (OB approved)-(I won't add cough drops and Benadryl to this list because they aren't liquids) But mostly what the cold brings to the table is mechanics.  Whenever I sneeze or cough, I pee.  I have put a towel down on the couch.  I had to do laundry extra early this week because I ran through three pairs of underwear and two pairs of pants per day.  I started using my old stock of pantyliners, but they were no match for my vigorous bladder.  Yesterday the coup de grace to my pride and dignity was an episode of coughing that led not just to peeing, but to throwing up on the couch and down the sleeves of my sweatshirt.  To my amusement, my right eye also started watering like nobody's business; my left eye couldn't have cared less. Later that day I broke down and bought some "Poise" incontinence pads, because poise I ain't got.  They're a lot more like the maxipads of old, very much like diapers.  But they do the trick.  I wish I could buy some that were called "Dignity," because I've been running low on that too. The friend who said that about babies and secretions was clearly leaving out the precursor problem: pregnant ladies and secretions.  Three months of this and I'll be ready for measley little baby secretions.  But they have the one secret weapon that I haven't had to deal with myself: poop. I'm looking forward to that!