Seat Belt On
It seems I am back, belted back into the roller coaster, ready for another ride. You would think I like theme parks and roller coaster rides. I seem to be riding the old roller coaster often enough.
Today my brother and I took my mother to the surgeon for her first visit. Just as well we were there because the doctor would not have gained an accurate impression of what has been happening from Mum. He is clearly worried and the process has begun. She is to go for an endoscopy in the next week or so. This will reveal what is happening inside.
For now I am trying to make the most of the relative calm. I remember all too well just what it is like when the diagnosis comes, when the cards are laid on the table and the situation made all too clear. It is bringing back so much and my own body is reacting. I have been having panic attacks again.
This poem, that I wrote ages ago sums up what I think is the worst part of all of this - FEAR.
Radiant heated fear Pulsates through blooded intestines Pressing on my sphincter Demanding I purge Bloated intestinal tubes
Tubes pumping, pulsating Razor edged emotions temporarily purged Nervously anticipating another Spontaneous panic filled attack Triggered by relentless, stalking, circling fear
Fear of loss, of grief Of utter helplessness in the face of Chronic, debilitating pain Fear that nothing will Appease or palliate.
Palliate or appease the pain or the rising bitter tasting vomit Wedged in my throat Unrelieved by sips of water. Desperate I consider the gate of Mount of Purgatory
Purgatory a lofty island mountain With indifferent angel keepers guarding the door Demanding Prudence, Temperance, Fortitude, and Justice Bowing my head in penitence Will not change our fate.
Fated to stand on earth Fated to bear witness to a multitude of injustices meted out By the hands of capricious Mother Nature
Today my brother and I took my mother to the surgeon for her first visit. Just as well we were there because the doctor would not have gained an accurate impression of what has been happening from Mum. He is clearly worried and the process has begun. She is to go for an endoscopy in the next week or so. This will reveal what is happening inside.
For now I am trying to make the most of the relative calm. I remember all too well just what it is like when the diagnosis comes, when the cards are laid on the table and the situation made all too clear. It is bringing back so much and my own body is reacting. I have been having panic attacks again.
This poem, that I wrote ages ago sums up what I think is the worst part of all of this - FEAR.
Radiant heated fear Pulsates through blooded intestines Pressing on my sphincter Demanding I purge Bloated intestinal tubes
Tubes pumping, pulsating Razor edged emotions temporarily purged Nervously anticipating another Spontaneous panic filled attack Triggered by relentless, stalking, circling fear
Fear of loss, of grief Of utter helplessness in the face of Chronic, debilitating pain Fear that nothing will Appease or palliate.
Palliate or appease the pain or the rising bitter tasting vomit Wedged in my throat Unrelieved by sips of water. Desperate I consider the gate of Mount of Purgatory
Purgatory a lofty island mountain With indifferent angel keepers guarding the door Demanding Prudence, Temperance, Fortitude, and Justice Bowing my head in penitence Will not change our fate.
Fated to stand on earth Fated to bear witness to a multitude of injustices meted out By the hands of capricious Mother Nature
Replies
Oh my...good luck with your Mom\'s results. I hope you get good news. I wish we could all jump off the roller coaster. I hate theme parks. Hugs....Nancy
I see my old nemesis...panic, is part of your repertoire too. You describe it perfectly in your poem.
It has been the curse of my life many times. You have my sincere sympathy.
Love....
Amazing poem. There\'s nothing I hate more than the waiting game - roller coaster is a good metaphor. Best of luck for good results.
Hugs, Gail
So sorry to hear about your Mom. Panic and anxiety seem to be a constant companion for many of us these days. Take care of yourself and my thoughts are with you. Cindy xxoo
That waiting is so very hard. My heart goes out to you. I hope for good results. I wish there was something I could say and do to make it better. I know that there isn\'t . All I can do is be sad with you. Hugs.
This must be so tough for you, re-living all those difficult memories. My thoughts are with you and I wish you the strenght to manage this ordeal that you are facing. Be kind to yourself and look after yourself. Patrick
I hope for good results also! Life is just hard sometimes. Take care!!!
Am thinking of you and praing for your mom. Hugs!
That would be \"praying.\" Fingers don\'t work.
Heather sorry you are having such a bad time and also your mother.l know all the tests that get done in hospitals are worrying things,especially when you have to wait for the results,l remember all to well the tests that Frank had to endure,and the wait,it must be especially hard for you all,but harder still for your mother because of her age,she must be feeling very vulnerable at the moment.
l,m sorry you have started having panic attacks,maybe your dr can give you something for them.Hope all goes well ,thinking of you all.
take care
Alice
What a poem,, it sums fear up perfectly. I hope that the results for your mom are ok. I will keep you and her in my prayers. Take care of yourself and try to keep of the roller coaster. Hugs Jane