Seat Belt On
It seems I am back, belted back into the roller coaster, ready for another ride. You would think I like theme parks and roller coaster rides. I seem to be riding the old roller coaster often enough.
Today my brother and I took my mother to the surgeon for her first visit. Just as well we were there because the doctor would not have gained an accurate impression of what has been happening from Mum. He is clearly worried and the process has begun. She is to go for an endoscopy in the next week or so. This will reveal what is happening inside.
For now I am trying to make the most of the relative calm. I remember all too well just what it is like when the diagnosis comes, when the cards are laid on the table and the situation made all too clear. It is bringing back so much and my own body is reacting. I have been having panic attacks again.
This poem, that I wrote ages ago sums up what I think is the worst part of all of this - FEAR.
Radiant heated fear Pulsates through blooded intestines Pressing on my sphincter Demanding I purge Bloated intestinal tubes
Tubes pumping, pulsating Razor edged emotions temporarily purged Nervously anticipating another Spontaneous panic filled attack Triggered by relentless, stalking, circling fear
Fear of loss, of grief Of utter helplessness in the face of Chronic, debilitating pain Fear that nothing will Appease or palliate.
Palliate or appease the pain or the rising bitter tasting vomit Wedged in my throat Unrelieved by sips of water. Desperate I consider the gate of Mount of Purgatory
Purgatory a lofty island mountain With indifferent angel keepers guarding the door Demanding Prudence, Temperance, Fortitude, and Justice Bowing my head in penitence Will not change our fate.
Fated to stand on earth Fated to bear witness to a multitude of injustices meted out By the hands of capricious Mother Nature
Today my brother and I took my mother to the surgeon for her first visit. Just as well we were there because the doctor would not have gained an accurate impression of what has been happening from Mum. He is clearly worried and the process has begun. She is to go for an endoscopy in the next week or so. This will reveal what is happening inside.
For now I am trying to make the most of the relative calm. I remember all too well just what it is like when the diagnosis comes, when the cards are laid on the table and the situation made all too clear. It is bringing back so much and my own body is reacting. I have been having panic attacks again.
This poem, that I wrote ages ago sums up what I think is the worst part of all of this - FEAR.
Radiant heated fear Pulsates through blooded intestines Pressing on my sphincter Demanding I purge Bloated intestinal tubes
Tubes pumping, pulsating Razor edged emotions temporarily purged Nervously anticipating another Spontaneous panic filled attack Triggered by relentless, stalking, circling fear
Fear of loss, of grief Of utter helplessness in the face of Chronic, debilitating pain Fear that nothing will Appease or palliate.
Palliate or appease the pain or the rising bitter tasting vomit Wedged in my throat Unrelieved by sips of water. Desperate I consider the gate of Mount of Purgatory
Purgatory a lofty island mountain With indifferent angel keepers guarding the door Demanding Prudence, Temperance, Fortitude, and Justice Bowing my head in penitence Will not change our fate.
Fated to stand on earth Fated to bear witness to a multitude of injustices meted out By the hands of capricious Mother Nature
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