Searching

i know when I lost Ken
I kept feeling like I was searching. Just as when my puppy Abby even though we have a fenced in yard...if she is gone a bit longer than I feel comfortable with I start looking out the window or door looking for her calling her name. I alwas think I have ESP with her and with my boys as they were growing up just as I would get the feeling they were gone a bit long in the door they would come, same as with Abby, she is coming in as I am looking for her ESP?? Mother instinct?? Either way the feelins come and in will come Abby or as I said so would the boys when they were younger.  As they got older same thing but it would be in the form of a phone, but no matter it gives me a feeling of peace
I realized sometime after Ken had left us my mind was searching for him.  I could not see him or talk to to him so each day I realized that I would be, in my mind searching for him. For a mom I feel that is one of the most difficult things to go through after the lost of a child is searching for them. After I realized what that feeling was I could understand some of my feelings(I am not sure if that is mentioned in the grieving process). But I know as Ken's mom or any of my children's if I get the feeling I need to hear from them or when they were young felt they should be home by now...the feeling would come.  It took me a while to realize that a lot of my days after Ken's death, I wanted to know where he was. I wanted to know if he was okay. I just wanted to know. I believe this is a part that a mom is instilled in her from the day her child comes into this world. Dad's may feel that way too but my son's dad didn't have it or not as strong as I felt. I remember one night Ken was working at a store and was to close so he should be home by 11. We went on to bed but the time he should be home I was wide awake. Not his dad he was snoring away. I woke him told him Ken was not home yet and we needed to go look for him. Of course his reply was he is fine probably just talking to friends.  I kept nagging until he finally got up and we drove to the store. There stood Ken with a flat tire and no way to fix it. I wanted to say to his dad "Told you so" but was so glad to have found him, i just started crying....as it is with me after Ken went to Heaven and in my Heart I knew and I know he is in Heaven, but no matter what I did or where I looked or how I cried I was searching for my lost child in this world. I believe that Searching for my chld is as much as a part of the Grieving Process as all the other steps. I can not tell you when the need inside me stopped searching for my son. Do I wish I could still see him, know what he is doing. You are right. But I no longer thinking and feeling everyday the need to search for my lost child. Yes, I am at peace knowing Ken is in Heaven. Where is Heaven that I do not know.  But I know that so long after Ken left this world I continue to live in, I no longer have the feelings or need to find my child.   Searching....searching to find my Ken....filled my days for a long time.  Now that too has passed, but I will always look forward to the time we will be united.  
Love and miss you Ken...your mom forever