searching...

for the words to describe how i felt when i stumbled upon a friend's posting of her daughter's 12 week sono tonight on fb.  initially, it felt like a strong right hook to the stomach.  my immediate reaction was to post something on The Compassionate Friends wall broadcasting my hurt and horror.  but that's not me...this loss is far too profound and personal.  i thought about how i will always mourn the loss of my baby.  i thought about holding in my hand what i was seeing in that picture.  i thought about how i felt the butterfly beating of your heartbeat fade away.  i thought about how i lived for 43 years and had never understood the magnetic pull of the biological clock until you were gone, and how that door is eternally sealed.  how, for once, it wasn't just about me, while i dreamed grand dreams of our life together.  i thought of young women who survive this gut-wrenching experience, who stare in the face the pregnancies and births of their friends and loved ones children, who see women who abuse and neglect their children, and how like fingernails on a chalkboard that must feel before you somehow learn to set it aside, to cry and grieve your loss alone later.   
i come back to this safe place to wail, to rage, and to say that i love you, my baby, for eternity and beyond.