Screwed Up...
Currently screaming out at the world.
I want to do something with my life. I'm so sick of being trapped, stuck in a simple routine. I've been trying to get a job for the past year now. Being stuck at home, this isn't exactly very easy. Job searches take hours, pausing to read the details of each entry. The second I calculate the distance the business is from my house or realize that the role involves talking to people or answering phones, I ditch it.
I dropped out of school when I was 16, refusing to go to college after years of bullying, so I started work right away. The post room of a company that sold building materials. Simple. No one really bothered me or asked me to do anything major, so for five years it was just me and the mail and my pay cheque at the end of it all. Loved it.
Then the stupid company decided to go belly up, laying off all of it's employees, including me. I was already agoraphobic then, but the retreat back to home with nothing to force me to go out into the world has made me even worse. I'm 26 and I've been stuck inside my house for the past 3 years. Nearly 4 now.
What is wrong with me? It's not like I don't have the ambition to go out. I do.
I desperately want to move out of this house. I live under my Mum's roof, pay rent with what little wages I earn from selling Avon. My savior at the moment. But my brothers also live here. One is in his 30s showing no sign of ever moving out and the other just finished college, spending all of his time playing video games in his bedroom.
I don't want to be stuck here with them for the rest of my life!!!
Because I'm the only girl, for some reason it has fallen upon me to tend to my brothers needs. Cleaning their clothes, cleaning up after them, making them food... ugh, I never wanted to be a mother, but somehow I was forced into this role, kicking and screaming... in silence, because I don't talk out loud a whole lot.
On top of that, my mother and I haven't exactly had the best relationship growing up. She's not as bad as most that you see on these documentaries, but she is pretty bad. She's the emotional abuse kind of person which really isn't helping me right now. I need support, not the constant reminder of how worthless I am.
My 2 main goals for this year are to get back into the work force and to move the hell out.
But no matter what I do, my brain keeps stopping me.
I'm a control freak in every aspect of my life. I have lists to get through my day, the first agenda on the top of the list is always 'wake up'. I know a lot of people are reading this thinking you insane girl, but trust me, it keeps me sane. Not being able to control this fear of going outside the house is driving me insane. I envy my brothers for being able to go out whenever they want to do whatever they want. It takes me nearly an hour to hype myself up to walk to the post box which is a 2 minute walk down my street.
I've found that loud music in my headphones calms me quicker. It blocks out the thoughts, which gets me out of the door quicker. Now if my MP3 player isn't charged, I find an excuse not to go out. Insane right, but it's my new safety.
Thanks for stopping by and reading my journal. I'm an insane, obsessive compulsive, agoraphobic girl who last left the safety of her house 2 weeks ago for 3 minutes and 52 seconds.
I want to do something with my life. I'm so sick of being trapped, stuck in a simple routine. I've been trying to get a job for the past year now. Being stuck at home, this isn't exactly very easy. Job searches take hours, pausing to read the details of each entry. The second I calculate the distance the business is from my house or realize that the role involves talking to people or answering phones, I ditch it.
I dropped out of school when I was 16, refusing to go to college after years of bullying, so I started work right away. The post room of a company that sold building materials. Simple. No one really bothered me or asked me to do anything major, so for five years it was just me and the mail and my pay cheque at the end of it all. Loved it.
Then the stupid company decided to go belly up, laying off all of it's employees, including me. I was already agoraphobic then, but the retreat back to home with nothing to force me to go out into the world has made me even worse. I'm 26 and I've been stuck inside my house for the past 3 years. Nearly 4 now.
What is wrong with me? It's not like I don't have the ambition to go out. I do.
I desperately want to move out of this house. I live under my Mum's roof, pay rent with what little wages I earn from selling Avon. My savior at the moment. But my brothers also live here. One is in his 30s showing no sign of ever moving out and the other just finished college, spending all of his time playing video games in his bedroom.
I don't want to be stuck here with them for the rest of my life!!!
Because I'm the only girl, for some reason it has fallen upon me to tend to my brothers needs. Cleaning their clothes, cleaning up after them, making them food... ugh, I never wanted to be a mother, but somehow I was forced into this role, kicking and screaming... in silence, because I don't talk out loud a whole lot.
On top of that, my mother and I haven't exactly had the best relationship growing up. She's not as bad as most that you see on these documentaries, but she is pretty bad. She's the emotional abuse kind of person which really isn't helping me right now. I need support, not the constant reminder of how worthless I am.
My 2 main goals for this year are to get back into the work force and to move the hell out.
But no matter what I do, my brain keeps stopping me.
I'm a control freak in every aspect of my life. I have lists to get through my day, the first agenda on the top of the list is always 'wake up'. I know a lot of people are reading this thinking you insane girl, but trust me, it keeps me sane. Not being able to control this fear of going outside the house is driving me insane. I envy my brothers for being able to go out whenever they want to do whatever they want. It takes me nearly an hour to hype myself up to walk to the post box which is a 2 minute walk down my street.
I've found that loud music in my headphones calms me quicker. It blocks out the thoughts, which gets me out of the door quicker. Now if my MP3 player isn't charged, I find an excuse not to go out. Insane right, but it's my new safety.
Thanks for stopping by and reading my journal. I'm an insane, obsessive compulsive, agoraphobic girl who last left the safety of her house 2 weeks ago for 3 minutes and 52 seconds.
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