Screwed up...

Being alone is easy. You learn to accept it, to deal with and, at least I’ve found, to embrace it. Having potential friends is difficult. You don’t fit anywhere. Why was I so much happier being alone than having potential friends?
You miss their company. It’s like having a parched mouth and taking that first sip: one sip is never enough. You want more, to completely quench your thirst. Every hour is agonising. You check your phone, your email, your instant messenger in the vain hope that a friendly face will pop up. Friendship has become a drug for you.
Maybe I’m insane. I know it’s obsessive. A part of myself just wants to close myself off again. To be alone cause it was so much easier. I knew exactly what I had, and I was happy. Now I feel secluded and excluded, an outcast in a place I don’t want to be.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, how i’m supposed to deal with this. I know it’s not logical, I know I’m being an idiot. I don’t know why I can’t be like everyone else, but then i wonder if they’re as secluded as I am. I know God’s with me, but I’m so new to all of this. It’s overwhelming and I need support. I’m shifting between hating myself, feeling selfish and having stupid little ideas to deal with the confusion and the pain i’m carrying around. I was in the shower and I had a fleeting thought of wanting to cut myself. Stupid, irrational. And yet there the thought was.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. I want someone to confide in and then i don’t want anyone to know. Back and forth, scenarios are thought out, emails are written before being discarded. What’s wrong with me? Why do i feel this way? What’s the cause? What’s the cure?
For anyone who’s reading this and thinks, “what the hell is this girl’s problem?”, don’t worry I’m wondering the same thing. If you think I’m selfish, stupid, over-the-top, I’m totally agreeing with you. I don’t want to post this because it shows how disturbed I really am, but I’m going to because I can’t keep pretending that my heart’s golden, my mind pure, and I’m all fine and dandy. Far from it in fact. I’m really screwed up...



I know what you are going through.