Screaming - tw

That's what I was doing. I was screaming my head off because I was in so much pain and she just she just let them do it to me. I know this makes no sense as a beginning but that's how I needed to start this. I was dancing just a few minutes ago and the songs for some reason were extremely triggering.  They are songs I've heard a million times before and I've danced to them before and they've never bothered me like this. I don't know what is so triggering about them and I'm sure I'll find out one of these days. I just know that as I was dancing my good mood dissipated and I had a million thoughts flying through my head at 20 million miles per hour. So when I finally finished dancing , I sat down and began praying. And then the memories started flooding. I didn't want them to come I didn't want to know why the songs were so triggering. I've been doing so well for the past week or so and I want to stay in that good mood. hopefully this will pass and I'll return to that good mood. All I know is that I couldn't stop the memories and the songs brought them back to me. They're still very vague and fuzzy,  and I'm not even sure what age I was. All I know is that for once I had not dissociated while being raped. It was more than one person and it was hurting more than it has ever hurt before. My screams could have brought the house down. My mother heard every single scream and just let them do it. I've known for a while that she's been aware my father's abuse and his allowing other people to use me as well but this , this just blows me away. How can someone say she loves me and listen to me screaming and not do anything to interfere? I'm devastated right now and don't really know what to do.