SCREAM

Another one of those crazy codependent days........but this time was way different, maybe because I am smarter, wiser, or just worn down, but I really "heard " what he was saying. First came the defiant defense of himself and hs actions, which he feels require no apologies from him. He declares himself not an alcoholic, and that if I "let " him drink "like a normal person" the problem would resolve itself. The lies, broken promises and difficulties in our marriage are due to my low self esteem and my misguided idea that chronic alcoholism is not a reason to be dissatisfied and or a ridiculous reason to be considering divorce. He had difficulty with the fact that a drunken insistence that I cut our rather large lawn in ninety degree weather at noon was met with resistance. The drunk was one thing...after all I have been ignoring it for a while now, but heap on the rest and now my boundaries are crossed. I am stupid and crazy and have no self esteem when I state that his request is inappropriate. Really?
what a mind blower it might be for him to realize that I am not stupid or crazy. And as for the self esteem issue........ Yes, it is a big factor in my life, that has served his manipulations well for the last several years. But in searching for healing I have discovered myself. It has been interesting watching the reactions of people, who spent eons profiting from my overwhelming need to please, fix, rescue, and dissolve into guilty ooze when ever I "fail" to fit into their version of who I should be. I either make myself scarce from family functions, say no thank you to invitations from toxic friends often ending those friendships, Often these few people start to act like adolescents in a temper tantrum. Or are so hurt and betrayed that I said no. I even told my parents that I would no longer be spoken to as a child. They also said I was " too sensitive" and I " did not know what I was talking about".  No phone calls, visits or interest from me......wow now they are readjusting their attitudes.
hubby says he feels so lonely when I am out with friends.....to that I say: go make friends, find a hobby, follow your heart, don't be a drunk who is too embarrassing to be seen with, offer to do something with me ( now there is a novel idea). I suspect he is not I much missing me, but is missing the social drinking. I asked him this and the answer was the drinking. Jeez.
i believe he feels he has won this round. He has declared himself a " normal" drinker who will have a glass of wine or two with dinner when he feels like it, and the same when we are out socially, etc. (  he has tried to jerk me around with this " deal" before.)........ I don't buy it, but it s not my decision to make, and he may be surprised that THIS TIME I am not going to roll over in submission, no r will I smile pretty and pretend its normal.  My self esteem factor is steadily rising and just might upset the apple cart.
this relationship is not healthy for me, and not primarily because of the alcohol, the addiction is the catalyst. This is an emotionally suppressed man with anger,control, and woman issues. He is rude, disrespectful and entirely self centered. He has no interest in compromise. Things are good ONLY when it is ALL going his way.  I am just no longer interested in going along on HIS ride.
I could stay here if he could just leave me alone, and stop trying to make me believe his stupidly that all is well. So divorce is looming....... Got the referral.......appointment made.