Scattered-choose a lane
I'm feeling scattered and out of control today. I have noticed that since this whole Corona Drama started, my control freakiness has come out strong. It seems when I see people in need, I try to take charge. Some it helps while others it irritates.
Roomie had no problem with me cleaning the house and making sure his pill box was organized on a weekly basis and making sure the cable and water paid.
Joe had a dark year last year like I did. He let things go. The coronavirus slowed his life down long enough for him and I to see how much a mess he is in. He seems scattered (effects of the alcohol me thinks), simple ordinary small tasks upset him. Yesterday I was trying to help him get his new bank card activated-after attempting to do it wth the automated system 5 times,( I told him to just call customer service after the second time), he finally listened and called customer service. He complains he has no money and I have been on him for weeks to file his 2019 taxes for his return and the stimulus check-finally he did this yesterday. I am finding a man that I once thought was confident and put together is actually holding by a string and he knows this and feels terrible about it (or atleast I think so).
I have counseling tonight and then I will go by Roomies and pick up my mail. I remain in the middle of the fence-my car is still full of my things that I am yet to unpack or put into Joe's storage unit. My mail still goes to Roomies house because I am reluctant to change it. Selfishly, I am comfortable being at my old address and don't want to give that peace up. I am scattered between two places with no permanant decisions yet. I guess I am waiting on Roomie to officially kick me out (he won't because he wants me to come back) or I am waiting on Joe to get bored and move along to his next "adventure". I'm just not in the mindset right now to make a permanant decision. I don't want my cake and eat it too..Im just confused about what to do and either way I feel terrible about it. I guess I will discuss this tonight with the counselor.
Thankfully, Joe will start instacarting today and I hope this helps his self esteem. I think our "new way of life" is here to stay for the rest of this year. I hope they start opening up parts of the country soon. I think they could if everyone wore a mask and continued social distancing. All this made me think of Jimmy Buffet's "Trying to Reason with Hurricane Season" song. Of course it would be now be "Trying to Reason with Corona Season".
Isolated Tiki Bars and Corona Beer Dreams-
Have another good day-only one more day till Fri!
Replies
I think my indecisiveness is a result of a long established behavior of not believing I’m good enough to actually want something. It’s important to create what we want in our mind in order for it to manifest in real life.
With the future uncertainty clouding every day it’s even harder to do this.
A way to break this cycle of indecision is to make micro successes. It’s really helpful. Instead of orchestrating the entire week I find it’s better to start with breakfast. Then clean up after. Then brush my teeth......
I think there is a fear element also even if it’s under the surface.
We need to drive our car not let it drive us. The backseat isn’t very exciting. Safer but blah
Finally...I agree. I think I just get in to big of a hurry to control things. I need to take this one day at a time and see what brews.
I know I'm better than I was 2 months ago. I made a decision to give Joe a fair chance even if it's challenging for us all.
I've only seen Joe vulnerable but haven't seen him at his best. Deserves a chance....whenever that will be.
What you are describing are traits of codependency, incuding the control, the over-caregiving, the fixing people part, the indecision in a replationship with others. Sorry don't mean to get all heavy but that's the first thing I thought of after reading this.
I hope you have a good therapy session to help you gain some clarity. I think there's a fine line between giving someone a chance and enabling. It's a bit of a trap we can set for ouirselves when we are doing things for an alcholic because we think it's helping them get their shit together. Sadly, they only get their shit together when they stop drinking, admit they're an alcholic and learn to function independently alchohol free.
I know I go on and on about the alchololism issue with this person but it's out of concern. Because I've seen and lived it; it really doesn't . end well for the people involved. Just keep that tucked in your brain someowhere as you sort it out.
A cornerstone of my own psychotherapy was acknowledging my psycho ticks as coping mechanisms and strengths plied to surviving inhumane circumstances. That includes my control freakitis. With the awareness that great strengths can be used badly, I can shift my focus to healthier uses of those strengths. I can care about other people's pain without giving in to the urge to control *their* lives. I can give gentle encouragement in place of authority. Etcetera, etceteri.
But that is me. . .
Continued support while you sort your own.
I realize I'm walking a fine line of codependency. I would not say I am over caregiving...just helping out.
I know you see it that way. When I was talking about the trap we set yourself, that’s the trap.
You are trying to be a kind, caring person. It’s a beautiful quality in you. But you don’t seem to take pleasure in helping these adult men. It doesn’t sound like it. It comes across as doing it out of obligation, like if you don’t do it, who will? Honestly, THEY will have to, or choose not to. It’s really up to them. You can’t make people live how you want them to live. I wish we could because it would cause less pain for us sometimes.
Anyway that’s why I said just keep it tucked in that back your brain while you sort it out. I know you are working through it all.