Scary Shit

Stuff has gotten really bad.  I'm starting to scare myself.
I tried to kill myself yesterday for the first time.  I didn't have any sharps so I shattered a jar with a big metal wrench and planned to slit my wrists lengthwise.  My mom heard and came right away, which I wanted somewhere in my sick head.
I don't have to back to the hospital thankfully.  I got in to see my therapist today and I got an appointment with a psychiatrist who takes my meds a little more seriously.
I tried to go to dance but I kept sobbing while I was dancing.
Up until now, suicide has been totally off of the table.  I thought I had too strong of bonds with my family to consider it.
I was wrong.
I'm just so messed up, it's been 10 months and 16 meds and I'm worse than ever.
I'm crying now.  Which I try never to do. 

If anyone ever reads these, support is always appreciated.  If not, then I guess it's good for me to write this stuff down.
I'm just scared and alone.