Scared of feeling real
So things are set now for my Nan's funeral. It's going to be on Thursday. Flowers are chosen, wreath is chosen, songs are chosen, and words for the note on the flowers.Everything just feels so... surreal at the moment. Nothing seems real. It feels like I'm organising this for someone else or something.My Anorexia has completely taken over. It had a strong hold on me before this happened but now there's no going back. I saw my therapist on Friday and he wants me to go back in as an inpatient. I have my CPA on Monday where a decision is going to have to be made. Mum and my Brother both want me to go in and agree with my therapist when he says there's no way that circumstances at home are going to allow me to turn this around by myself.It might not make sense to anyone but before I was just restricting to control everything, feelings of failure etc. But now, I'm actually scared to eat. Because now I know that it's numbing everything. This surreal feeling is probably because I'm starved. So I don't want to eat. I don't want to ever feel like all this going on now is real. I just want to stay like this, keep losing weight and never have to feel that pain of loss which is bubbling just below the surface.
Replies
hey im so sorry to hear about your nan. but would she want you to give in to your anorexia? or would she want to see you fight and recover? good luck xx.
I know it doesn\'t seem real right now and I think its probably because it hasn\'t sunk in yet. I have to agree with the comment above, fight the anorexia for your Nan, do it for her.
Good luck with whatever you choose x
I don\'t know you, or you nan, but I am positive she would want you to start kicking ED\'s butt. You can\'t stay with that surreal feeling forever, hun. You have to face your emotion sometime.
The feeling of \'sureal\' is what get\'s you through what you just have. I think it\'s the brains defence mechanism that allows us to be numb for a while. It\'s so hard to lose a loved one, there will be grief and hurt. I have no family older than me left, it\'s painful, but we have to go on living.
I know how this affects anorexia, I have had it for years, I have never had any help. If you can get that help, please take it.
I have no experience with anorexia, so I can\'t relate to that, but I understand it\'s a feeling of having at least something to control. A different manifestation of the same issue for a lot of people. I am sorry you are fighting this (you are fighting right?) I wanted also to say, that I was impressed with your bio...about the animals you have and that you are in the veterinary field. A person who loves and cares for many animals is never a bad person.....I truly hope that you are able to get a handle on your eating, it\'s ok, and you have to eat to live! Please do not subject your family and friends to watching you perish from this particular disorder. You are still a wonderful, and valuable person who has LOADS to offer society (and animals!) You are a champion for animals and I hope you always continue.
Wishing peace for you xx -daisy
I remember going to my uncles funeral, fully involved in my ED. My aunt hugged me and said I cant lose my Laynie too. I about lost it, I did not realize it was that apparent. I felt selfish, that was his funeral and now the focus was on me.
Don\'t let this destroy you. Please accept the help that is being offered. You can do this! It took me 3 times through treatment and multiple other interventions(therapy, medical admit, groups)I know you can beat this too!
Do you have ojections to going inpatient?
If the doctor thinks it is best to help you than maybe you should consider it.
I have struggled with bulima on and off all my life, so I can relate a bit to what you feel.
I would think inpatient would give you the extra care you need along with therapy.