Scared of feeling real
So things are set now for my Nan's funeral. It's going to be on Thursday. Flowers are chosen, wreath is chosen, songs are chosen, and words for the note on the flowers.Everything just feels so... surreal at the moment. Nothing seems real. It feels like I'm organising this for someone else or something.My Anorexia has completely taken over. It had a strong hold on me before this happened but now there's no going back. I saw my therapist on Friday and he wants me to go back in as an inpatient. I have my CPA on Monday where a decision is going to have to be made. Mum and my Brother both want me to go in and agree with my therapist when he says there's no way that circumstances at home are going to allow me to turn this around by myself.It might not make sense to anyone but before I was just restricting to control everything, feelings of failure etc. But now, I'm actually scared to eat. Because now I know that it's numbing everything. This surreal feeling is probably because I'm starved. So I don't want to eat. I don't want to ever feel like all this going on now is real. I just want to stay like this, keep losing weight and never have to feel that pain of loss which is bubbling just below the surface.
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