Scared and worried
It is almost 4AM and here I sit. Alone with my thoughts. I have met the most amazing awesome lady that I have ever known in my life. I just got off the phone with her and she is such a wonderful person. There is a part of me that is ecstatic but yet that is clouded by a very dark black cloud tonight. I have to go and see my counselor today. I haven't seen her in years. I thought I was messed up when I saw her before but that was nothing compared to what I am going through right now. I know in my mind that it will be a good thing to get there and get started trying to figure out what in the world my problem is. I have a very strong idea and I don't like it one bit. The thought of having to deal with this for the rest of my life scares me to death. Something in my head says it might not be worth it and death would be a blessing. I want it fixed immediately and I know it isn't going to be. I could not work again today. I just couldn't bear to even leave my house much less try and deal with work. The thought of having to leave and go deal with the world makes me panic. I had a time today when I fealt really happy for a couple of hours. I just wish it would have lasted longer. The depression was still there but I was happy all at the same time. That makes absolutely no sense to me when I say it or look at it but then nothing about where I am at or how I am feeling right now makes any sense. Maybe just maybe Kay can help me figure that out and fix it. That is what I am hoping for. It scares me that it might not be able to be fixed and that I will be this way from here on. I DON'T want to live this way.
Replies
Your journal entry could have been one of mine if I were not trying so desperately to be positive about all this shit. I dont think we need to be \'fixed\' I think we need to forgive ourselves and learn to love ourselves. We have to acknowledge the strength that it has taken to get this far; strong people dont give up, they continue to fight for a better life that they so deserve....you deserve! We need to go on that journey of letting go of the fear....scarey shit but what is the alternative? Death - I think that\'s just the chickens way out or to continue with this existence - dont know about you but i\'m bloody feed up of just existing.....or another alternative.........dig the deepest you have ever digged before, take a deep breath, be the most couragous you have ever been in your life and let go of the fear....allow yourself to be vulnerable, allow yourself to be helped, let go and heal.
This is my opinion only but this is what i\'m trying to do....a slow process but it\'s taken a long time to get to this place therefore i figure it will take some time to get out of it......but i\'m looking forward to that day as i know the sun will be shinning. Take care x
I hope your councelor can give you the support you need,it sounds very encouraging that you have met this amazing woman,I hope that she might be able to make you feel more possitive about yourself.
Please keep fighting,life must get easier