Scared and worried
It is almost 4AM and here I sit. Alone with my thoughts. I have met the most amazing awesome lady that I have ever known in my life. I just got off the phone with her and she is such a wonderful person. There is a part of me that is ecstatic but yet that is clouded by a very dark black cloud tonight. I have to go and see my counselor today. I haven't seen her in years. I thought I was messed up when I saw her before but that was nothing compared to what I am going through right now. I know in my mind that it will be a good thing to get there and get started trying to figure out what in the world my problem is. I have a very strong idea and I don't like it one bit. The thought of having to deal with this for the rest of my life scares me to death. Something in my head says it might not be worth it and death would be a blessing. I want it fixed immediately and I know it isn't going to be. I could not work again today. I just couldn't bear to even leave my house much less try and deal with work. The thought of having to leave and go deal with the world makes me panic. I had a time today when I fealt really happy for a couple of hours. I just wish it would have lasted longer. The depression was still there but I was happy all at the same time. That makes absolutely no sense to me when I say it or look at it but then nothing about where I am at or how I am feeling right now makes any sense. Maybe just maybe Kay can help me figure that out and fix it. That is what I am hoping for. It scares me that it might not be able to be fixed and that I will be this way from here on. I DON'T want to live this way.
Replies