Scared

Since that day I found out my love has been lying to me, my whole world has unraveled.  Like an Irish pennant in a uniform, I pulled on it and everything came undone.  All of my anxiety and worries were founded.  My gut had been right when I was unsure if i could trust it.  So many times I'd been lied to in the past by others...and my love knew this.  He was supposed to be my safe harbor.  The one I could trust with my innermost thoughts.  So many times I poured my heart out, and he held me as I cried.  He vowed to keep me safe from harm.  All the while lying to me about everything, including other women.  When I craved intimacy, begged for it even, and he gave it to others.  My already shattered self esteem took a hard hit.  I finally said no more. 

I expected him to walk away when I confronted him.  I truly expected to end up alone. I had actually made peace with that possiblity.  Instead, he came clean.  The best way he knew how, and begged me not to give up on him.  Oh how it pulls on my heart.  How I want so badly to believe him.  My heart chooses to stay, my mind doesn't believe, and my mouth...well, it gives my anger and bitterness a sharp tongue. 

I am still that scared and hurt girl, but my defense mechanism is anger.  I am afraid to let him in again because he damn near destroyed me already.  Oh, but he knows me so well and all of my weaknesses. 

Apparently, I am sabotaging intimacy so he cant get to me.  I want nothing more than for him to break down the walls I have created, get past my anger, make me feel safe in his arms again, heal the damage he has done, show me unconditional love, show me true progress and show me a man of honor and integrity.   I never want to ever have to wonder again.  I never want to feel disrespected or unloved again.