Scared
I've taken the first step of letting you all know that I need to go back to counselling, so that, should I change my mind, I'll have you badgering me about it. I have to go, but I don't trust myself to do it without you guys pushing me.
I'm fucking petrified.
It's not just that I have a hard time admitting to others that I can't do this on my own anymore.
It's the things I need to get out. It's the things I need a counselor to help me with. I'm afraid to bring these things up to someone face to face. But I know that I need to. It's the only way to get past it.
But I'm afraid of being judged. I know counselors aren't supposed to be judgmental. But I don't know how anyone can listen to the things I need to let out and not judge me.
What if they think I'm just faking it? Like I want to be depressed. Like it's some kind of excuse, or some twisted fantasy? The reason it's so hard for me to talk about is because I feel like I have no reason to be this way. Compared to pretty much everyone else here on DS my life has been a fucking cake walk. My family loves me, I have lots of friends, I have some really good friends, I'm attractive, I do well in school... I mean, my whole life is a giant ray of fucking sunshine!
And the biggest thing I need to deal with - the real monster in my closet.. I'm absolutely petrified to talk about. I feel like I should have been able to let this go a long time ago. I feel like it's my fault that it happened. I feel like I'm just feeling sorry for myself, and not owning up to my role in it because I'm ashamed that it happened and I just want to blame him. I feel like a horrible person for feeling like I've been wronged when I'm not sure I have. At least, not on the same level as I make it seem, or as it feels inside. It's been seven years for christ sake how am I not over this?!
I feel like I'm going to get there and start to tell them all this stuff that I need to get out and that I need them to help me sort through and they're gunna wonder why the hell I'm there.. why I'm wasting their time when there are people out there who are really hurting.
I keep wondering if maybe it's like this for everyone - maybe I'm not really depressed I just think I am. Maybe everyone feels this way and I'm just not strong enough to cut it like the rest do. Am I really sick, or do I just want to feel sorry for myself?
I don't know where I'm going with this. I'm just totally unsure what to do with myself at this point.
I'm fucking petrified.
It's not just that I have a hard time admitting to others that I can't do this on my own anymore.
It's the things I need to get out. It's the things I need a counselor to help me with. I'm afraid to bring these things up to someone face to face. But I know that I need to. It's the only way to get past it.
But I'm afraid of being judged. I know counselors aren't supposed to be judgmental. But I don't know how anyone can listen to the things I need to let out and not judge me.
What if they think I'm just faking it? Like I want to be depressed. Like it's some kind of excuse, or some twisted fantasy? The reason it's so hard for me to talk about is because I feel like I have no reason to be this way. Compared to pretty much everyone else here on DS my life has been a fucking cake walk. My family loves me, I have lots of friends, I have some really good friends, I'm attractive, I do well in school... I mean, my whole life is a giant ray of fucking sunshine!
And the biggest thing I need to deal with - the real monster in my closet.. I'm absolutely petrified to talk about. I feel like I should have been able to let this go a long time ago. I feel like it's my fault that it happened. I feel like I'm just feeling sorry for myself, and not owning up to my role in it because I'm ashamed that it happened and I just want to blame him. I feel like a horrible person for feeling like I've been wronged when I'm not sure I have. At least, not on the same level as I make it seem, or as it feels inside. It's been seven years for christ sake how am I not over this?!
I feel like I'm going to get there and start to tell them all this stuff that I need to get out and that I need them to help me sort through and they're gunna wonder why the hell I'm there.. why I'm wasting their time when there are people out there who are really hurting.
I keep wondering if maybe it's like this for everyone - maybe I'm not really depressed I just think I am. Maybe everyone feels this way and I'm just not strong enough to cut it like the rest do. Am I really sick, or do I just want to feel sorry for myself?
I don't know where I'm going with this. I'm just totally unsure what to do with myself at this point.
Replies
Well first off it is ok to be frightened that is normal , we all deal with things in different ways . So for what may seem to be small thing for some is a big deal for others . please do not feel ashamed hon , and do not put this kind of blame all on you. You will be surprised that they will not judge you , and will not think your faking this as I do not think that of you. Remember we all hurt in many ways and mine is not worse than your , as well as yours may not be as bad as mine that does not matter ., What matters is that your hurting . I know I have felt the same way you are feeling , and it is not a good place to be . Nothing wrong in the way you are feeling hon. it just is . You just need to know that we are here for you and behind you . You are a wonderful person Boom . Don\'t be so hard on yourself . great big hugs .. Repo.
I have these feelings too because I have a good life and I can still see a future.
A counselor knows that not all depression is situational. People go see counselors for many reasons, they wouldn\'t think you\'re wasting their time.
If you need a kick in the bum to get to counselling I\'m always available. It will hopefully help you sought out these feelings. You deserve to feel better! hugs to you!
When I did therapy, I had to talk about some shameful things. Don\'t be afraid, it\'s worse in your head than talking about it and the therapists are trained to hear all kinds of things. I looked at this way, it\'s my money and my time to get better so I had to do my part and just talk about those things that were scary to talk about. It\'s the only way of gettting better, though sometimes I felt worse after a therapy session it was just a sign of working through the issue. I hope you will do it and finally deal with what needs to be dealt with at your age and not at 40. Those are a lot of years to be weighed down. Society puts so much pressure on us to be okay, don\'t question if you think you need help. If you were okay, then you would know that too.
Ah, I understand the thing about them feeling like your faking it. I\'ve often felt like I really have to put on a show or express it perfectly to be beleived bc otherwise it wont really be taken as seriously as it is. I was thinking of you tonight and hope your doing well. Love..
Ah, I understand the thing about them feeling like your faking it. I\'ve often felt like I really have to put on a show or express it perfectly to be beleived bc otherwise it wont really be taken as seriously as it is. I was thinking of you tonight and hope your doing well. Love..