Saying Goodbye

Today I packed away all of the little things I had already accumulated. It was so painful to see all the little reminders of my excitement and happiness. I went to the store and got a little box. I put in the pregnancy journal I had started, the pregnancy planner/organizer, the first ultrasound picture - my little black dot of a baby - that was on the fridge. The first positive pregnancy test I had ever gotten that has been sitting on my dresser where I could see it every day.
And the soft little teddy bear holding a blue blanket that I bought the day after I found out. When I took it out of my dresser drawer to put in the box, I sobbed.
I can't find the words to express the pain...the emptiness I feel.
Of course it was too early to know anything about this little life. I never felt it move. I never saw anything more than a black dot on a fuzzy ultrasound. But I felt such intense love. I was sure it was a boy. I had come to think of him as my Luke. A name I had never considered, but when my husband had suggested it in a late night name-storming session (mostly in jest, with the suggested middle name of Skywalker), it felt right. Lucas Matthew.
And now he's gone. 
I closed the box and slid it under my side of the bed. These were the things specific to this baby. There were other things that will be saved for next time. I feel in my heart there will be a next time. The birthday presents from the stepkids - a baby memory book and a woodburned portrait of a baby wrapped in a blanket (made by my stepson). The baby blanket my mom made for me years ago and finally was able to give me. The stuffed fox my MIL sent for the baby. The little shoes and mittens I bought when we first started trying. And the "Daddy proof" onesie I bought to give my husband. All of these things were put on the top shelf in my closet. To wait. For when I dare to hope again.
For today, there is only pain and loss.