saw sleep dr

Saw the Sleep Doctor.  He has sched me for a night time and a daytime sleep study the middle of Feb.  He tapered my anti d med down and then off.  I have been totally off it now for a week and today i am feeling the pain again.  I have been getting more sad each day and today i have started to cry again.  I feel the tears pricking at my eyes as i write this.  It will be 2 weeks til my studys and i know it will be very trying but i have to be off my meds to do the study.  It's gonna hurt to get a diagnosis.  I can't talk to my family, they don't understand.  My mom does understand that mental pain can hurt just as much as physical pain, but i don't want to burden her with something she can not help me with.   I have started using my SAD light to try to counteract the lack of anti d med.  I want to badly to reach out for help but i just feel there is nothing that can be done but to get through it.  At least i know that when i get suicidal that there is an end in sight to the pain, just around the corner.  16 days is not so bad when i am looking at a lifetime of improved quality of life with the new cat drugs.  Wow, i am going to look soooo foolish if this journal entry is found after my obit is published, lol.  That was a joke, i have to joke to keep me going.  I will probably be posting some really dark entries in the weeks to come, but there is light at the end of the tunnel, so long as i pay my electric bill.