saw my neice for first time today
I had to go to my dads today to drop off some things.He called me to warn me that my neice Hayley was over with my brother. Hayley was born 4 days after Max and I just havent been wanting to see her yet so my dad warms me when I go over so my brother can get whatever Im dropping off or just dont go over. I dont know why but when he told me she was there today I wanted to see her. When I told my dad I wanted to see Hayley he got so excited. I have only seen her in pictures. On my way over to my dads I prayed that I would be okay seeing her. I dont know why but I think I needed to see her. I got to my dads and put some groceries away for him and on the couch was my brother holding Hayley. He asked me if I wanted to hold her. She was so beautiful and perfect just like Max. She was so tiny. I held her and dont know what it was , but I felt a little relief lift off my heart. I didnt want to put her down. She just layed there in my arms and stared at me. My stepmom made a comment after about 20 mins that she couldnt beleive Hayley wasnt crying yet. It was about her feeding time. I looked down at her and she smiled at me then stuck her tounge out at me. Maxs tounghe was sticking out in one of his pics and all I could think was how cute they both were and how sad they wont get to grow up together. I mentioned that I was going to start trying again in June. They asked if I wanted a boy or a girl. I told them honestly I wanted a healthy, screaming , crying , booger machine and I didnt care if it was a boy or girl as long as it was alive and well. I told them I had all boy things so that would be easier then my brothers girlfriend said they would save all of Hayleys things so if I had a girl I would be set either way. My boss called me whan I was holding her. He asked how I was doing and I told him fine. He said I sound upset, was I alrite?. I told him I was holding my neice for the first time. He went silent. He remembers my panic attack at work last time I saw a baby up close and personal and I think he thought I was sad but I wasnt. I couldnt take my eyes off her. I told him I was going to kidnap her. He laughed and made me promise not to. Im not really going to but I want another baby more now than ever. I want to make Max a big brother.I am really glad I saw her. I think my heart really needed it. I believe Max was there with me and gave me the strength to do this today. I hope I made him proud and happy that his mommy is doing better. I miss him and love him more than anything in this world. I hope he knows that. He will always be my favorite baby and the love of my life.
Replies
That\'s beautiful. I\'m glad you held her and felt healing from it. Hugs, Corrine
Aww that\'s so good! Gosh, I can\'t imagine feeling like that. You are so blessed to have been able to hold her without freaking out. I really don\'t think i\'d be able to do it just yet. Well I hope it doesn\'t take you very long to conceive. I will keep you in my prayers (:
That story is amazing, I\'ve felt like that too, so much fear and apprehension meeting new babies, especially ones around the same age as our LOs, but actually when I\'ve met them, I can see they\'re not my angel, they\'re not scary but they are special little people and they help me to know that it is right for me to try again and also somehow I just get the feeling that my angel is ok..
I admire your strength. I have not held a baby yet in the 6 months it has been since Annaya\'s Heaven Birth. I hold on to my 5 year old and rock her because for now she fills my empty arms.
Sending a lot of baby dust your way!!!
Hugs!!!
Nneka
You are strong... I first held a baby while he was only 4 hours old, two days after my expected due date. It was my best friend\'s baby, I had a panic attack on the way there, anticpating what it would be like. My friend was in teh same room I had delivered Victoria in (great!) and so this just added to my reaction. Thank goodness not too many ppl were there because I ended up having a major breakdown. My friend was very understanding but I just couldnt\' help it. Her son was so perfect, and healthy and breathing. It made me long more for Victoria than I ever had. I have been to see them a few more times since his birth but he still chokes me up!
I know you miss your son so so much... I wish you so much luck in your efforts ttc in June!
-Jodi
Im so inspired by you. Im having a hard time being around my pregnant friends, but now hope after reading this that one day it will be better. Thank you