saw my neice for first time today

I had to go to my dads today to drop off some things.He called me to warn me that my neice Hayley was over with my brother. Hayley was born 4 days after Max and I just havent been wanting to see her yet so my dad warms me when I go over so my brother can get whatever Im dropping off or just dont go over. I dont know why but when he told me she was there today I wanted to see her. When I told my dad I wanted to see Hayley he got so excited. I have only seen her in pictures. On my way over to my dads I prayed that I would be okay seeing her. I dont know why but I think I needed to see her. I got to my dads and put some groceries away for him and on the couch was my brother holding Hayley. He asked me if I wanted to hold her. She was so beautiful and perfect just like Max. She was so tiny. I held her and dont know what it was , but I felt a little relief lift off my heart. I didnt want to put her down. She just layed there in my arms and stared at me. My stepmom made a comment after about 20 mins that she couldnt beleive Hayley wasnt crying yet. It was about her feeding time. I looked down at her and she smiled at me then stuck her tounge out at me. Maxs tounghe was sticking out in one of his pics and all I could think was how cute they both were and how sad they wont get to grow up together. I mentioned that I was going to start trying again in June. They asked if I wanted a boy or a girl. I told them honestly I wanted a healthy, screaming , crying , booger machine and I didnt care if it was a boy or girl as long as it was alive and well. I told them I had all boy things so that would be easier then my brothers girlfriend said they would save all of Hayleys things so if I had a girl I would be set either way. My boss called me whan I was holding her. He asked how I was doing and I told him fine. He said I sound upset, was I alrite?. I told him I was holding my neice for the first time. He went silent. He remembers my panic attack at work last time I saw a baby up close and personal and I think he thought I was sad but I wasnt. I couldnt take my eyes off her. I told him I was going to kidnap her. He laughed and made me promise not to. Im not really going to but I want another baby more now than ever. I want to make Max a big brother.I am really glad I saw her. I think my heart really needed it. I believe Max was there with me and gave me the strength to do this today. I hope I made him proud and happy that his mommy is doing better. I miss him and love him more than anything in this world. I hope he knows that. He will always be my favorite baby and the love of my life.