Saw him today
Saw him at drop off at school. He apparently saw me because he just txted asking if im ever going to say hello. Its 32 days of NC (from me).
To be honest, it hurt to see him. I didnt reply to his txt but im having a rough time Right now. There are so many things i want to say. Call him out on his lies, ask whats the point of talking, i cant be friends with him, i dont trust him. We tried the friends thing back in January after 4 months of NC. But feelings were still there and everything got stirred up again and i will not live in a one sided open M.
Thing is, i hope hes sad and missing me IF his M is really as terrible as he said. Otherwise, what does he want??? Im not going to be another ex who he keeps around to hit up when he needs me and to stroke his ego.
I was going to walk today before i start work but my route passes his house. Guess I'll hafta walk down another street.
Wish i could clear my head and turn my mind off.
To be honest, it hurt to see him. I didnt reply to his txt but im having a rough time Right now. There are so many things i want to say. Call him out on his lies, ask whats the point of talking, i cant be friends with him, i dont trust him. We tried the friends thing back in January after 4 months of NC. But feelings were still there and everything got stirred up again and i will not live in a one sided open M.
Thing is, i hope hes sad and missing me IF his M is really as terrible as he said. Otherwise, what does he want??? Im not going to be another ex who he keeps around to hit up when he needs me and to stroke his ego.
I was going to walk today before i start work but my route passes his house. Guess I'll hafta walk down another street.
Wish i could clear my head and turn my mind off.
Replies
I wish and pray for Grace to get you to the other side with peace, it is hard....I have a space occupied in my heart by the man who filled my heart with love, and gave me my life back when my second husband filed for divorce and moved out...I met this man at my job, he was(is)9 1/2 years younger and he was an only child, his mother was his life, he cherished her and so her was able to cherish me....he gave me a cinderella romance that I will never forget, it has been put in a deep place in my heart, and I no longer pine for him, but for the treatment, he planned wonderful, surprise detailed romantic events for us to enjoy, he made me feel loved, cherished....I should have stayed with him,instead I took my 2nd husband back, to keep my family whole, so the kids would live life with their father and not a dating mother or a step parent, but to my shagrin, it was a set up by my now ex-h(truthfully, I think he viewed my love for this young man as if it had been an affair, it was a violation of the marriage, but my (2nd) H had filed for divorce and moved out...so I don\'t see it as an \"affair\", it was a start at a new life, but I wish I had waited for the divorce to be final, things may have been different then....my ex would still have been the a hole he had been for 15 years and it would have ruined that relationship, they way it has added to this relationship with my H/CS(3rd).....just to remind, 1st h-abusive(physically, emotionally, verbally)age 19-22 , 2nd H-filed for divorce at 12 yrs, then begged to come back to fix it, lied, came back to get more money to file again 4 yrs later and left us in a very bad place and was an a hole(huge) for 15 years, enter third H(he got a divorce because his W was having an affair, she kept the affair partner and never knew about her H\'s cheating on her)....lots of work, lots of conversations, reading, council, accountability....I thought I made the right choice, for the rest of my life....I knew it wouldn\'t be perfect, but I was sure it would be safe, no abandonment, no cheating, no lying, no betrayal....BOY WAS I WRONG, sad face.....you can do it, you will never forget, it will never be easy....but it will get easier....see him and the affair for what it really was....an escape from the reality that is not perfect, and you may need to end your marriage, but make sure it is absolutely what is left as the only choice for you and the kids, being divorced is not easy, it does not fix everything, and the kids do suffer...most kids, and both exes suffer in some respect....some are lucky and are able to do better, but most don\'t .....I don\'t mean to offend at all....please see my true heart, I understand the place you are in, I have lived it....and now I live the other side....both places are painful.... Garth Brooks \"The Dance\" \"....I could have missed the pain, but I\'d have missed the dance....\" hugs....
OMG. Im so sorry to hear all you\'ve been through. Im glad you got away from your 1st H. Its hard for me to say this to you, but right now i feel like i will never stop pining for OM. I know the drill. Its wrong, morally, to everyone involved. I dont truly know what his M is like. Im so confused by all the things hes told me. Nothing makes sense. I just keep seeing his W face and thinking how would i feel IF he is just a serial cheat? He will do the same shit to me. But it still kills me that he reaches out. I cant stop thinking if all we talked about. My minds all over the place. Im sorry you made that choice to take your 2nd H back. But you can\'t think that way. I know its easier said then done :(
So am i to understand that you H is divorced prior to you bc his W cheated on him?? Wow. So hes been on both sides. He obviously was hurt by it. And yet he goes and does the same thing to you. I dont mean to bad mouth him, im just staying a fact. Its so friggin painful. Especially knowing what you went thru with your previous M. Im so sorry.
I know in my heart i need to stick it out with my M IF the verbal abuse and mind fcking stops. Bc this environment isn\'t healthy either. H just came back from a 4 day business trip last night. We txted while he was away. We both feel disconnected and need to work on things. Im giving myself a time limit. From when i ended the A. So i can have a clear head (still working on that) and to see if hes willing to work on our issues with me.
But honestly, OM will have a place in my heart for the time we shared. I hope that doesn\'t hurt you by me saying that. Every situation is different in that its not to say Every OW keeps their exOM in their heart. But im just speaking for myself. I dont think i can get over it if i dont view it as a special time we had. If i think i was just another notch in his belt, that will just destroy me and eat me up inside. Im yearning for the day i can be glad we had our \"dance\" and be indifferent about it. But im just not there yet. And i will not reach out to him. To this other woman\'s H. I won\'t do it. No matter how painful it is when he reaches out to me. Its a horrible spot to be in. Very painful indeed. Regardless that it was my decision that got us here. Its still is cripplingly painful. Hugs to you. Thank you
I know she has a Michael box, with all of her memories of my h, she was in love with him, and that is what he wanted, she kept telling him she loved him and he would say \"no you don\'t\" but then would salutate with \"love ya\" everytime they spoke or left each other in the morning, he used her and broke her heart tooo, I know this, but that will never excuse her behavior, she was a 58 year old(I am 53,but look about 40)pastor\'s wife when they met, going through a divorce because of infidelity, she in fact had just left a meeting at Applebee\'s with her STBX when she walked into the bar, met MY h and decided to fuck a stranger for her own pleasure, to sooth her loss, well thanks a lot, destroy someone elses life to sooth your own, (SORRY)....she of all women should have known better and done better...and my H listening to his own selfish lust, satan, just gave him permission,\"hmmm, you won\'t get caught, go ahead, take her\".....and I will never be the same, I will never recover fully and my dreams, all of them are gone forever...to be married to a faithful, loving man who cherrishes me...and shows it daily with his honesty and loving actions, someone who would never betray me and be willing to take a bullet for me....oh well...
Notmyself1 - I am so sorry and I cannot even imagine how hard it was to see him and not reply to his text. You are strong beyond belief. I can\'t believe it\'s been 32 days since we were talking about his last stunt and I support you 100% for standing up for yourself after that.
Stay strong, take a different route on your walk from now on and hold your head high because you really are the better person in this situation. Hugs!!!!
Ok so this is going to sound judgemental but how could she \"fall in love\" with someone after meeting them and sleeping with them the very first time they meet?!?!? Obviously she was hurting, but then go after a single guy if you\'re just looking to \"feel good\" Did she know he was M?
I know all A people get hurt, used, discarded. But am i wrong to think there are different degrees of an A? I did not go looking for an A. I certainly did not chase after a MM. I do own my shit and know i made a terribly wrong decision for all involved by agreeing, however i will say OM pursued me. Perhaps he saw my weaknesses within me and played on that. We were friends for months before anything became physical and that was because he kep pressing the issue and feeding me lines about his miserable M. Im sure this sounds bad and im in NO way playing victim or lessening the wrong i ultimately did. I just hafta say, your H exAP sounds like she was out that day to get revenge on what was done to her. And knowing how horrible it felt, she should never have chosen a MM. That was an extremely scummy thing to do. And then to keep carrying on with him. Was she trying to take him away from you, like some OW who took her H away from her? She is one broken person. Again, not throwing stones seeing as im holed up in a glass house at the moment.
As far as dreams of what we think our M will grow old into, although i was not cheated on, my dreams of being M to man who would treat me like an equal and respect me and not verbally abuse and control me have been shattered too. I was wrong for having an A and if i decide to tell it will crush his dream of being M to a faithful person, who would forsake all othrs. i guess im saying i know what it feels like to have a dream crushed. We\'re all human and make mistakes, some worse than others. Its how we view ourselves Afterwards. If the person who did the damage is willing to do the work to repair, then is that all we can ask for? We need to trust in that person bc of the love we have for them, that they may genuinely try to work on themselves and the problems they caused. I know im more than willing to work on myself and try and fix my M.
Thanks CD :) your support and encouragement truly means alot. I need all the help i can get right now.
It honestly hasn\'t been easy even tho i know thats wrong. I will not cave bc we are both M and nothing\'s changed. I simply cant go down that road again not only for the deceit and pain it would be for my H and his W and the kids if we got exposed, but honestly for a bit of selfish reasons too. I absolutely cannot go through all the talk and feelings getting stirred up and then the pain of breaking up again. I\'ve done so much work this past month only! And i believe I\'ve gotten to the core of our issues in my M by writing out my timeline. And i want to work on things with my H.
Hugs to you!
yes she knew he was Married...at first he told her we were separated to have sex with her because he is selfish and thought he could get away with it....and he never took his wedding ring off, so it went where it should not have, if you know what I mean, so it makes me sick to see it on his hand now, it used to remind me of how much he loved me, I use to hold his hand at night just to touch it and KNOW, now I just hate it.....who know what he told her, she says one thing he absolutely denies it, my phyciatrists says she is playing the jilted lover, because in her head he was leaving me for her, he was going to rescue her and she was recuing him right back, it is a sick movie played out in real life....she is fake, but has so much support from family and friends, THEY SEE HER AS THE VICTIM, she told them all they would be together, and told them all of the stories of what a great lover he was and how wonderful he was....I have seen her fb page, not the private stuff but the public was enough and she and I text messaged back and forth for 8 months, until I asked her \"...what color nail polish she wore and did it match her lipstick when she was holding my h\'s Manhood and licked it\"...so I wouldn\'t make the mistake of wearing the same color when I did any of those things with MY husband if I ever did them again...I guess that was harsh, but it was less than KILLING her, showing up at her house or job and throat punching her for what she took...(SORRY) thinking about it makes me crazy, I feel like I can never compete, never be good enough, never be safe in my own bed again, and my dreams dashed on the rocks for their pleasure...theirs was a stranger affair, she went to his hotel with him just hours after meeting in a bar and had unprotected sex, spent the night and walked back to the bar accross the street the next morning \"in the clothes she wore the night be fore\" , so many songs I can never listen to again, some make me so crazy I want to just die....she also posted mementos on her fb of MY h, and sent out fishing notes to him on open fb, it just pisses me off so bad cause I saw the first one just days after the affair started and he lied when I asked him about her, he just lied and kept lying until he made the mistake of leaving his fb open and leaving the house....I had to go to his desk for something and there it was in BOLD BLACK AND WHITE....that was the end of my world....and by the way I hope she HURTS til the day she dies, and cries herself away for what she did in her dying breath....I know HARSH, yup....SHE NEEDS help bad, worse than me but her friends just hold her up like she is a saint and she got played and had no control over her own behavior, so I hate her...SORRY.....I get carried away when I think of her, I really want to confront her, call her out to the world for what she is and what she did....I want her to pay for what she CHOSE to do....
Yes, go the other direction--- with your walking route and your attention. I know how hard it must be to not reply, and you have so many mixed feelings- wanting to tell him off, wanting him to miss you... You are doing great! And you are strong. It must be SO HARD when your paths cross. Ugh!
SO SORRY, YES HAVING TO RECOUNT, TO RECALL, TRIGGERS ME AND MY DEEP PAIN AND ANGER....SO SORRY, i WISH IT WOULD JUST GO AWAY, WE HAD A ROUGH NIGHT BECAUSE OF THE CASUAL THINGS HE SAYS,LIKE WHEN HE WAS LYING TO MY FACE IN OUR BED, IT REALLY SUCKS TO FEEL SO UNSAFE, AND BETRAYED IN YOUR OWN BED....OH AND i AM NOT YELLING, CAPS LOCKS ON, AND i DON\'T WANT TO START WRITING OVER, LOL, and since when did cap locks mean you were yelling, or trying to make a point, sometimes it is easier for me to read stuff that way(especially when I don\'t have my glasses on)LOL...take care of your self, and I totally get the wrong place at the wrong time, THE FIRST TIME, wine, a hansome charming man, willing to touch you and hold you when you are feeling so low, but he was my husband and that is not ok.... :(
Phew! I thought for a minute you WERE yelling at me ;)
Prayers and hugs to you
It really is Iris. I may be doing good on the outside but still really struggling.
How are you doing ovah there?
Hi Not My...well you know what they say- \"fake it till you make it\"- I am good, thank you for asking. Major major life changes. I won\'t highjack your thread though! Have a good weekend!
One of the things that amazes me is how people in an affair can somehow rationalize that the person they are cheating with is somehow honorable. I don\'t know if it\'s some kind of fantasy out of a romance novel but it makes absolutely no sense to me. If the person you are with is lying to their own spouse, someone they stood in front of their friends and family and pledged fidelity to, why do you think they aren\'t lying to you?
I worked on classified government programs where everyone involved in getting sensitive information had extensive background checks. One of the most basic priniciples was that how people have acted in the past is how they will act in the future. If someone lies, cheats, or steals, in the past then they are very much more likely to lie, cheat, or steal in the future. Yet for some reason, when it comes to affairs, people always think that they are somehow different and some knight in shining armor, or damsel in distress, is going to pop out of someone who is lying, cheating, and betraying their own family.
@notmyself, sounds like you\'ve made the leap out of this fantasy world. I\'m still amazed that smart people go down this road.