Saving my life 12-10-09

leaving my dysfunctional family....cant breathe.....sickness everywhere.....including me......my sister and i were going to move together in her section 8 apartment.....but i decided not to becauseshe drank a bottle of beer of mine and did not ask me for it.....and then when i asked her about it she stated that she could replace it for me......if the (angry now) replacing the beer she drank was the only issue....all would be well.....my understanding was that she did not even like beer.....what the hell.....i believe that she gave it to her son when he came by the house and said that she drank it instead.....this bum loves my Heinekens but never buys any.....bum.......tired of pretending that her son is such a wonderful wonderful gift to the world....everyone in the family afraid to say he is a damn bum......don't talk.....but i digress......i am angry that she did not respect me enough to just call me and ask me for what belonged to me.....and then say that you can replace it.....you "can"?????    if you can replace it then it seems to me that you would have and i would not be feeling this rage towards your fat sloppy needy passive aggressive ass.....59 years old and you don't know by now to ask for that which belongs to others......i live in the fucking twilight zone......no don't ask.....i don't have to ask that b sh.......i hate it when people just do things to me....just take for granted that my need to be so perfect  and agreeable will always allow you mishandle me....moreover.....can we have a discussion about how she invaded a boundary..... no we can't......then she will think as my whole stupid family does....she like to make mountains out of molehills......no we can't.....why would my family validate, accept and respect that i am different from you and what matters to me may never matter to you......i am sick of trying to be sane with these fucking nuts.....all of them including my simple ass children......all three hostile towards me because i was an teen mother who was emotionally unavailabe.....their hatred towards me knows no bounds.....i respect that they don't love me.....but i am 53 years now and it's time to let me off the hook even if they won't.....too much guilt....enough!   ......i feel like i'm dying sometimes.......enough!  anyway......can't talk about me with mother because she lives for what she needs.....selfish fucked up dictator......she is so god when it comes to "her" family......i hate her sometimes.....nothing motivates her in life more than keeping every family member glued to her tit....and if think another though or act like you are an individual......your ass is cliqued out.....i hate this family.....i hate them......i have never really known love in my home......being the youngest....my siblings either used me as some sort of outlet for their sadistic behaviors or they just did not notice that i was even fuckin alive.....i am kind of upside down puzzled about it all....still.......mother wanted to know why i did not tell her that my siblings once played you wife me husband.....four older brothers....three of them "playing" and one onlooker.....why did i not tell......you  cold callous close my fucking bedroom door let the kids do what the fuck they want to as long as they don't need me to be involved....and i can get some damn rest.......why did i not tell you?  you were never available to me.......i never felt safe with you......you have made me feel the same hated way that they have on many ocassions.......tell you what?    that there was a whole other world outside of your closed bedroom door that i lived in.....i did not live behind your closed door with you.....i had to live with these animals who hated me.....i did not want to be hated.....i was afraid of them and afraid of you too.....who were you....i did not know you......i did not know you    :(       Today, I have to save my life......no one else will.