SaturdayNight: Staying Home!

A couple of my friends wanted me to watch the basketball game but I'm feeling pretty good at home right now! My friend Pat came over for the hockey game so that was cool. I worked out this morning and just got done playing guitar. I'm really glad to be back and playing. I hope my motivation continues. I think that's one thing that scares me about depression. It's like you lose interest in everything which just puts you in a downward spiral but it's hard to force yourself to do stuff because it's not enjoyable! So far the Prozac and (soon, very soon I hope!) getting that place off my chest has been a huge relief! It's not done yet but God willing it will be in the next few months.  We went out last night and it was pretty boring. Not too many people out and to be quite honest I just don't feel comfortable going to bars anymore. I appreciate the fact I still look like I'm in my mid-20's but I really didn't like them back then!! HA! I work all week so when Friday rolls around I feel like I should go out and do something but half the time I wish that I had just stayed home. I feel like a nut staying home Friday night after working at home all week! I have to go to the office Monday but like I keep saying the office is actually more depressing then just working at home by myself.   I have a very supportive family and great friends but I always seem to feel like an island unto myself. It seems that when I do things alone then results are good but when I add anyone to the mix things go poorly. It's not that everything I do myself works out but I feel if something goes wrong I can accept that it was me and work on correcting the issue myself. With others involved I either have to rely on some else, which I despise, or if I did something wrong I blame myself for hurting someone else. Everyone makes mistakes and no one has ever blamed me for anything but hurting someone even unintentionally causes me great stress. It's good that I care for others feelings but it's bad if it affects mine in a negative fashion. Whatever, right!  So the online dating thing is still a bit of a bust. I changed my profile from nice to basically "I need a strong person who can offer me a challenge". I'm not talking about some nasty person because nasty people have no self-esteem and try to hurt others because they are miserable. I'm talking about someone that is confident, funny, sarcastic and doesn't take life all that seriously. Since my wonderful meltdown of last year I've come a long way and I'm back to a point in my life where I'm actually feeling all of the above! I truly don't care what people think anymore. I used to let others bother me but now they can all kiss the fattest part of my ass...which isn't that much anymore with all the working out I'm doing!! HA! I love getting myself back in shape! It's a huge confidence boost! Getting back to my music has also helped as well. Doing something not everyone can do makes me feel a bit special and why not!   Truthfully I'm not sure if I want to start dating again or not. It's weird because some days it's like, it would be nice to have someone in my life to share things but on the other side I LOVE having all this free time on my hands! It's helped me get serious about my diet/exercise again, play my guitar again and basically just relax! I really started to dislike the "every Saturday and Sunday" thing you get into when in a serious relationship. Is that wrong? I don't know. To be completely honest I feel I'm going to grow old and die a lonely old man. The sad thing is the thought doesn't really bother me that much. Maybe it will when I'm old and I'll be like "I should have taken life more seriously and made a commitment" but that's too far ahead and I'm all about on minute at a time!   Maybe I'm asking too much but I now know exactly what I want in a girl. My concern is that my subconscious has planted this seed of hope but realistically I've sabotaged myself by aiming too high. I don't think I'm aiming too high! Truthfully the only thing I really want is that "spark". It's hard to describe in words but you know it when you get it. I've had that spark twice, my ex-wife of 7 years and my previous relationship of 5 years. So it's not like I can't commit at all! It's just that things ended up falling apart in both cases with a similar fashion. I know this sounds crazy but they were both Aries and I'm a Cancer and based on astrology that is THE worst match ever! Yep! The moth to the flame I suppose. I'm looking for a Scorpio! No luck so far : - ) Anyway, looks like another rant from me. I swear I only mean to write a paragraph or two but then I keep typing. Oh well, nothing wrong with that! Until next time...