Saturday with my friend Sue

Today was very cold but basically a nice day.  I went to Borders with a survivor friend of mine who I was in a support group with called Incest Anonymous.  I have known her for a long time.  We went to Borders and had a cup of coffee and then we went to the park and sat at the large pond iced over in the park.  This was an opportunity for me to talk A LOT.  For the last few days I have been feeling kinda sad.  The tears come easily and I let them come.  Have felt that tears are cathartic for me.  Not sure why I felt the need to cry, but I did.  Sue was very supportive while I was with her.  I shared a lot of my history with her, as she did also.  As I was talking I realized that there is still some residual anger still there about those 23 years in that foster home.  I would think 20 years of therapy would have alleviated that anger, but as I see it is still there.  Since I have been dealing with a sinus infection I was feeling not only bad headaches but a spaciness, a feeling as tho I could not think straight.  But..................after talking to Sue that spaciness is now gone.   Have taken my antibiotics, all of them, and maybe that might have taken the spaciness away, but I am still of the thought, just maybe crying and venting and getting all that sadness out to Sue was like a perging of all I was feeling inside and getting it outside of me.  I hate being spacy.  I could deal with a pain in my leg or any other part of my body, but not being able to think straight was frightening, especially since I have to drive.  It was as if I was not in my body.  Not centered, as I believe most of the time I now am.  I felt as tho I was in a dream like state. I now ask myself, since I do observe what I go thru, was that disassociation, a memory surfacing??? Since the winter and fall seem to be the seasons where I feel a lot more anxious, without knowing why I am anxious, is this a memory.  i still to this day do not remember the rape I experienced by the neighbor. I want to know what happened.  i want to see it in my mind, I want to feel the terror and then be done with it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am no longer afraid to feel and experience whatever I need to know because I have faced so much terror already and found that in facing it, I am a stronger person.  Whatever that memory is, it can not hurt me any longer.  I feel as long as there is trauma inside I don't know what to think or how to deal with it. KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   I will dig and dig until I get my answers.  Guess 20 years of therapy has helped me to be that way.  Analize, analize, analize, observe my behavior, observe my feelings, observe my reactions to things.  Ask myself why am I triggered by certain things, like the sky a certain time of the year.  Why am I still afraid to be in an elevator when it does not move and I feel trapped and panic.  What behaviors  about my mother in law can still trigger me.  Why do I hate when autumn comes.   Why do I still bite my nails.  Why do I still smoke.  I have been told that whatever addiction is present is me is me not dealing with something in my psyche.  What is still there in my psyche that is present but not remembered.  So I ask. This is my way of healing.  Asking the questions, analizing all of this. I am relentless in asking what is going on.  I find if I know I can deal with it better.  I can sit in whatever the struggle is and say Ah that is part of the process of healing from trauma.  It is okay, I can do this.  I have made that commitment to go thru whatever it takes to heal.   As I sit here and write I am clear in my thinking.  I thank the God I believe in for this.  I have prayed to be able to think clearly since it does scare me.  And my prayers today have been answered.  The headaches from the sinus infection I can handle, it was the confusion, the not thinking clearly that was troublesome.  How could I not believe in a loving God when I have seen my prayers answered so many times.  I sit here at peace with myself and my world.    I feel being with Sue yesterday changed something in me.  I will be forever grateful for that time with Sue.  I thanked her for her presence in my life yesterday.  She was the catalyst yesterday for me to be where I am today, Sunday. How fortunate I am for having such loving and caring people in my life.  So different from what I experienced for 23 years in the 2 foster homes.  No one to comfort me in times of need.  No one to say I am scared and need a hug or someone to talk to.  23 years of no one being there for me.  Just me and my frightening thoughts, and my sadness.  Back then I was not in touch as I am now with the rage and angerand sadness  I have felt.  Now I am in touch with all my feelings. Forme this is a gift.  I am present in my own life. I know what I want and what I will not accept in people.  I treasure that gift of awareness.I still cry for Little Jeanette, but that is the greiving I was never allowed to feel. All those feelings were stufffed for 40 years and now I allow myself to greive over a life that was empty, lonely and filled with terror.  I no longer have that kind of life today.  Recovery is possible but one must go thru a lot of reflection, a lot of good self talk, healing that inner child and loving that inner child.  For me it will always be worth every tear I have cried, every difficult time I have experienced in this journey.