Saturday,very tired physically and mentally

Good morning journal,the time is now 7:20am and I have been fully awake for around twenty minutes after a night of disturbed and periodic sleep,I got up with our dogs twice,and finally,at the third time of asking,I decided to finally give up any thoughts of further sleep and come here instead. I have been very tired over the past two days,physically I feel very sluggish,and mentally I am finding it very hard to concentrate or focus on anything for very long. I saw my doctor on Thursday morning,usual routine,"how are you?",answer,"I'm this or I'm that",new prescription and we were done,I had a list of questions in my head that I wanted to ask,but,not for the first time,I forgot every one of them as soon as I entered his office. Thursday evening I was so tired,and I also felt ill,so I retired to bed for the night at 5:45pm,another evening lost to me,but at least I slept until 4:00am on Friday morning before I awakened,or rather was awoken by Buttons,her tummy was bothering her,she is getting to be a real old lady now,but she is loved by us and loves us unconditionally in return. Yesterday I got my next appointment for the urology clinic for the results of my blood work.the 6th of January next year,nothing like making you wait huh?,I also received a telephone call from the CT team,I have to go for my brain scan next Tuesday at the big health center in town at 7:20pm,what the hell kind of time is that?,I'm usually preparing for bed at around that time,I just don't understand why they couldn't have arranged it for earlier in the day,but,it is what it is and I'll have to make the best of it I suppose. No news yet about a new care worker for me,and no further developments on my wheelchair or my disability claim either,the world still turns despite everything,and I am just a very small cog in the wider scheme of things,so,like we have been doing for over a year,we wait,it's all we can do. This morning I seem to be resting precariously on a plateau of flatness mentally,I can find nothing to be enthusiastic or excited about in the day ahead,and it is a chore in itself just to move,I'm tired,but it is more than that,with the tiredness comes a feeling of bleakness,I function because my brain tells me to,not because of any desire on my part. I'm tired of all the tests,all the blood work,and all of the promises that,thus far,have come to nothing,and I am very close to saying "enough is enough",I have reached the point where I just want to be left alone,I have my wife and our dogs,so if the professional people can help me,my question to them is,"why is it taking so long?",and if they can't,then leave me by myself,I'm tired of being prodded and poked,I have reached an age where I should be enjoying some quality time with my wife,instead,I spend my life literally fighting at times to stay awake,I have voices that talk to me when nobody else will,voices that I and I alone hear,and the professionals answer is to give me yet another "magic pill",Doctor Prince,my psychiatrist,is a very nice man,and he knows his stuff,but my question is why does he only see his patients once a year,twice at a push?,when I was at my own doctor on Thursday,the letter that Doctor Prince had told me would be there concerning my new medication wasn't,there I mean,my own doctor couldn't find it in his files,I had to tell him that Doctor Prince had put me on venlafaxine,he took my word for it and wrote me a new prescription,what if I had been mistaken,or even worse lying?,I could have walked out of there with anything,even enough potentially lethal drugs to end my life if I chose to,don't these people talk to each other?. My voices have been very active lately,I know that I am close to finding out the message that they keep telling me about,and after I discover it,I am certain that I will then understand my purpose in all of this,I am not afraid,I have no reason to be,God has for some reason chosen me to be a part of this and Jeremiah,Ruth and Micah are just the instruments that He is using to get His message across,I have waited this long,I can wait some more,it will happen in His time not mine,until then,I am content to wait. On Monday morning,I start my pulmonary rehab classes again,I am looking forward to it a great deal,I am beginning to enjoy feeling my muscles work,it has been so long since they have been asked to function to any great degree that it is something which is almost like a completely new sensation,it is tiring,but if I can walk more than twenty feet without stopping because I can't breathe when the classes finish,then it will be worth all the effort on my part. Well journal,that's it for now,so until the next time,may God give us the strength and the will to get through one more day.