Saturday Night
Babe, it's another Sat. night and instead of going out for dinner with you and cuddling I sit here watching tv like I do night after night. One day just runs into the next, which runs into the next. The only difference is somedays the sun shines and others it's cloudy. Other than that there's no difference and I couldn't really care either way.
You know we always took mara out for her hikes together and today I took her to one of the conservation areas we always went to. It was a long quiet walk through the forest and open fields. Something we both used to enjoy and look forward to. I thought maybe since we came here so often together I might feel your presence but as I walked our trails all I felt was very very alone. Even mara, who constantly explores as we walk was very reserved, just looking around and staying close to me. On the walk back to the car it finally got to me and I broke down again but at least there was no one to watch. When I got home I spent a couple of hours shredding old bills and other paperwork you'd been after me to do. But you see I assumed we had lots of time and there was always time for both of us to do things. We had our whole lives to travel and get around to this and that, didn't we.
My world has gone from colours and laughter to numbness and and emptyness. I must have had some very strange dreams last night because I tossed and turned all night and I remember dreaming but don't remember what the dreams were. Even mara twitched and whined in her sleep. I know she misses you because every once in a while she'll stare at the spot on the couch where you used to sit as if she expects to see you there.
So here I am watching mara sleep and watching tv and wishing you were beside me, but that won't happen will it? Tonight I just feel more numb than anything else. At least at this point. Who knows how I'll feel in a half hour. I'm in no hurry for morning to come because it means another day without you. I think about our plans and hopes for the future and then the hole opens wider and deeper when I realize there are no more plans and there is no more future.
Where ever you are sweetheart I pray you're safe and happy and one day we'll be together again. That's all I can hope for because life is terrible without you.
I love you babe. Please know that and know you're on my mind every waking moment.
Mike
You know we always took mara out for her hikes together and today I took her to one of the conservation areas we always went to. It was a long quiet walk through the forest and open fields. Something we both used to enjoy and look forward to. I thought maybe since we came here so often together I might feel your presence but as I walked our trails all I felt was very very alone. Even mara, who constantly explores as we walk was very reserved, just looking around and staying close to me. On the walk back to the car it finally got to me and I broke down again but at least there was no one to watch. When I got home I spent a couple of hours shredding old bills and other paperwork you'd been after me to do. But you see I assumed we had lots of time and there was always time for both of us to do things. We had our whole lives to travel and get around to this and that, didn't we.
My world has gone from colours and laughter to numbness and and emptyness. I must have had some very strange dreams last night because I tossed and turned all night and I remember dreaming but don't remember what the dreams were. Even mara twitched and whined in her sleep. I know she misses you because every once in a while she'll stare at the spot on the couch where you used to sit as if she expects to see you there.
So here I am watching mara sleep and watching tv and wishing you were beside me, but that won't happen will it? Tonight I just feel more numb than anything else. At least at this point. Who knows how I'll feel in a half hour. I'm in no hurry for morning to come because it means another day without you. I think about our plans and hopes for the future and then the hole opens wider and deeper when I realize there are no more plans and there is no more future.
Where ever you are sweetheart I pray you're safe and happy and one day we'll be together again. That's all I can hope for because life is terrible without you.
I love you babe. Please know that and know you're on my mind every waking moment.
Mike
Replies
Mike,
I can\'t believe I opened this journal and your words were my thoughts. Every Sunday we would take long walks with our dog Holly Bear. Church in the morning, something sweet from the bakery, then a long walk. I thought to myself that I should take a long walk today and realized that without Jim by my side, throwing a stick for the dog, holding my hand, commenting on the level of river we always walked along, it just would make me sadder.
I don\'t know why they had to leave us, I do know that if they had a choice they would still be here with us. I only pray they are safe, happy and waiting for us. Blessings to all of us as we navigate the long walk ahead of us.
Linda
Mike, yesterday I tried the same thing..went on a hike to our favourite place and it just brought me more sadness. It is so hard to know all of our plans for our futures have changed and we are powerless to do anything about it. It is so hard to look ahead and wonder if we will ever be happy again but I do believe we have to hold onto that hope and we are still here for a reason. May we have some peace and joy in our futures. My thoughts and prayers are with you, Lu Ann
We miss our true loves so terribly. I feel my husband with me every moment and that is my peace. Gentle ((hugs)) to you Mike. Patricia
Thank you all very much. As badly as it hurts I don\'t think I\'d be able to get this far if I didn\'t have this site to come to a few times a day. I do get out every day though. Shopping has to be done and bills have to be paid. I\'m semi retired and my wife was going to give up her job shortly so we\'d have more time to do the things we wanted. As the saying goes\" if you want to make God laugh tell him your plans for the future\".
Our dog is a big girl and we both like long walks so I\'ll have to get used to walking alone.
Again, you guys are great and thank you so much for being there.
Mike
What a heartfelt journal entry. I could feel the emptiness you feel. I don\'t feel his presence either and my dogs have stopped looking for him. I related to your entry. I only wish I could say something that would make it all better for you.
Hugs Linda
Mike,
My heart hears your pain. I\'m so sorry for the intense pain you are living with as you move on to each new day. Our days don\'t even begin to resemble what they once were. It truly is like entering a whole other galaxy. Missing them will never leave, but the pain will diminish and the adjustment to our new future happens whether we plan for it or not. Everything gets turned upside down in our new future. Hang tough. TJ