Saturday morning,trying to find the fighting Celt in me

Good morning journal,the time is 8:36am and I have been awake since around 7:20am.I came into our lounge to find my wife still awake and discovered that she had stayed up all night,why?,I'm not sure,but she has gone to take a nap for a few hours now,accompanied by two of our three dogs.I have been left with Caesar for company,and,as usual when it's just the two of us,he is sprawled at my feet like a big bearskin rug.Yesterday,I managed to remain up until 10:30pm or thereabouts before finally giving in and going to bed.Earlier in the night,I made a stab at eating dinner,wasn't too successful,but that happens a lot to me,my appetite is not very good these days.Still no news from my social worker,to whom I've now given the name of Caspar the friendly ghost,remember him?,yes,she's very friendly and bubbly when she actually visits you,but it's the ghost part of her new nickname which she is exhibiting now,she is nowhere to be seen.Now,this morning,I am trying to dredge up some inner strength from my esteemed heritage,I'm a Scot with Highlander blood in me,the Celts were a warrior race,and I am a part of that,and it is now,more than ever,that I need those battling qualities.I get so tired of trying to get up again every time I fall,it seems that every avenue I go down in respect of financial help or health care,I am met with brick walls,road blocks,or authoritarian figures who stonewall me at every turn,it does tend to wear me down,and sometimes,I get to feeling,"what's the use?",and I am very close to giving up for good.When I get to reminiscing about how my life has been,I can see that I've lived through pain a lot,no parent should outlive their child,I have,and there have been various occasions when I could have folded and given up,old Caspar on her one and only visit to us thus far,commented on my little girl's passing,she said,"I know how you feel",no you don't lady,have you ever lost a child?,if you haven't,then don't you dare tell me you know how I feel.She went on to say,"I really don't think you have grieved yet",lady,I have been grieving for twenty six years!,a white hot grief that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy,not even a social worker like you.Like everything else in my life,I have walked through levels of pain and hurt that no one person should have to experience in one lifetime,I am,as far as I know,the only singer who had a professional career in show business for thirty two years whilst performing on stage deaf,and only the band knew I couldn't hear.How did I do it?,simple,the drummer or keyboard player would use hand signals to count me in,and,with the help of a very thin soled pair of shoes,I could "hear" the song through the vibrations in my feet,and even today,I can honestly say that I have never heard myself perform live,I have only recently heard myself sing on the last CD I made before retiring which my wife has on her computer,and I only managed that because I got my new,all singing,all dancing bionic ears in February of this year.The technology that I needed to be able to hear wasn't available back when I lost my hearing in the very early seventies,and even today,I can only hear in my right ear,my left one was too badly damaged for any hearing to remain,I don't have full hearing in my right,but I have enough to hear a human voice,and I am very grateful.How did I lose my hearing?,I was blown up by a faulty gauge on an oxygen cylinder which also cost me the sight in my left eye,but,like everything else,I got on with it,and although I wasn't exactly Elvis Presley,I always got paid for performing,and,I sold a lot of albums in the clubs,bars and hotels where I sang,it paid the bills and put food on our table for over thirty years before I retired and moved into law enforcement concerning traffic violations.Now,for the first time in forty four years almost,I am unable to provide for my family,and there are times that I feel almost emasculated,my function in life has been taken away from me,it is my job to work and put food in our bellies,and to not be able to do that anymore makes me feel less than a man.I grew up without a father,my dad drowned in 1959 when I was just four months shy of my fourth birthday,and I watched my mother work three jobs a day just to put my younger brother and myself through school,then,when I left school at fifteen,I became the man of the house,I worked long hours so my mom wouldn't have to anymore.Then,I cared for my mother when she succumbed to alcoholism and later dementia,I didn't see that as being my duty,I did it because I loved her,but working and providing I always saw as,"my job",it's what I did,first for my mother and brother,then for my family,.....now,not to be able to grieves me sorely.Well journal,I don't know where all of this entry came from,perhaps I just needed to rant a little,anyway,rant over,and I have now got a little fire in my belly once more,how long it will last is anybody's guess,but,just for today,I can feel my Celtic blood pulsing,please God let something happen to help us soon before it becomes too late,lead us through another day,and give us Your arm to lean on as we continue to try and be heard by the people and organizations that need to listen,sooner rather than later please.