Saturday morning,still dark and I am awake

Good morning journal,the time is now 4:57am,outside it is still dark and cold,but I am awake,courtesy of our oldest dog Buttons,who insisted that I get up and allow her outside to go do her business.She suffers from a bad tummy,and,when she needs to go she needs to go,she is now firmly ensconced on my side of the bed beside her human mother and our other two dogs,fast asleep again,and I just haven't got the heart,or the energy,to move her so that I can get back into bed.So,I have decided to come here to my desk with a mug of coffee and see what,if anything,appears on the screen before me,courtesy of my typing fingers and still sleep befuddled mind.No doubt,as this diatribe goes on,the coffee will hopefully kick in and I will feel less like a hibernating bear stirring from a long winter sleep,and more like the man that I am most of the time,however,we shall see.At this present moment,my mind is totally blank and I am letting my fingers do their thing,sometimes it works,and I uncover things I had no idea I was thinking,at other times,I find that I have typed complete and utter drivel,but it's my drivel and I am allowed to type rubbish if I want!. On Thursday last,I kept my scheduled appointment with Doctor Butler at his office,he put me back on the beta blocker that Sister Bevington had said to stop taking when I saw her at the diabetic clinic ten days ago.He also gave me a prescription for pills to try and lessen the intense dizziness that I suffer from every time I stand up,sometimes it is so bad that I feel as if I am going to pass out,and indeed,I have almost fallen on several occasions.My blood pressure is low anyway,and the tachycardia which I suffer from doesn't help,I have a racing heartbeat which I can sometimes "hear" in my ears,which,for a deaf person,I find extremely funny.After I saw Doctor Butler,I traveled on the bus to the path lab at our local hospital,it was very crowded when I got there and I thought it would be hours before I was seen,but,thankfully,the staff on duty were both efficient and quick,and I only had to wait around half an hour or so before my name was called.The nurse who saw me took four phials of blood from me,after enticing my veins to cooperate with her that is,but I was happy with her treatment and her patience,and I left to catch the bus home.I am still very tired two days later,I suffer extreme fatigue for several days after any type of exertion,and last evening I retired to bed at about 8:15pm and slept deeply until Buttons woke me this morning,and,as I typed her name,she appears in our lounge as if by magic,I'm sure that dog is telepathic!. However,after a cuddle and an ear rub,which she adores,she has decided to keep me company,and has curled up on our sofa grumbling softly to herself,at least I think she's grumbling,I haven't got my hearing aids in,so I would have trouble hearing a bomb go off!. Other news?,still no wheelchair,I did ask the doc about it,but he said,"oh don't worry Scott,it takes ages!",oh well,that's alright then,I just hope it finally gets here before I get too old or senile to recognize what it actually is when I finally get to peruse the item in question.As to my forthcoming pulmonary rehab classes?,I am still awaiting a letter of confirmation with an actual start date following my telephone conversation with their department,I know it's in October sometime,but when exactly is still being kept a secret from me,perhaps they want to surprise me,like an unexpected birthday gift,that will be fun won't it?. Today is a day that is very special to me because this is the day that my baby girl was born,it is also a day which is filled with a mixture of happy memories and sadness,she came into my life on this morning thirty four years ago,and,on February 14th 1987,God called her home again.It has been twenty six years since she slipped from this life,I can still feel her hand in mine as she did so all those years ago,she was seven years old.I went on to have other children,in fact I am a grandfather now to a growing tribe,and I love them all dearly,but,my life still feels incomplete,a little like a jigsaw with the last piece missing,know what I mean?. There are times,on days when my depression is really bad,when I long to be with her,feel her cuddle me just one more time,and I cry,often and silently,when I am alone in quiet moments of reflection,the pain on special days is a wound that reopens with just as much ferociousness and rawness as I suffered on the day she passed,and at other times,it subsides to a dull ache,which is tolerable,but still a huge emptiness within my being.Tonight,when the day draws to a close,I will do what I do every evening,I will look at the first star to the left of the moon and say night night,because that's where my baby girl lives,in my heart,in my mind and in my soul,but when I say goodnight on this day,it is always,always,very special.Well journal,I think that is all my news for now,may Jesus continue to walk with us as He always does,look after my baby until I get there Lord,night night kitten,daddy loves you.