Saturday morning,just a quick update on things

Good morning journal,the time is now 7:07am,I have been awake since 3:40am when Buttons,our oldest dog,woke me to go outside. After she came back in she was still unsettled so I made some coffee and took her with me into our lounge lest she disturb my slumbering wife. I really have no idea what to write this morning so I have decided to just make this a quick update on my current health and well being,both physically and mentally. I last saw my doctor on Thursday,we discussed my current medication and the side effects I suffer from on a daily basis. We also talked about the extreme dizziness that plagues me every time I get to my feet,he took my blood pressure,it was as we both suspected very low,and this low blood pressure could be the reason why I collapsed last weekend. I had been in our kitchen trying to make myself some soup,I wasn't particularly hungry,it was more of a robotic function because I knew I needed to eat even if I didn't feel like it. I remember feeling very dizzy and I tried to stand still and hang on to the worktop until it passed,the next thing I knew,my wife was bending over me looking extremely worried,apparently,I had fallen quite heavily,I bruised my leg and had a nasty lump to the back of my head,the soup pot and it's contents were all over the kitchen floor with the glass pot lid on my other side,fortunately it didn't break,otherwise my injuries could have been a lot worse. I was confused and disorientated for some time afterwards,even after my wife had helped me back to my chair,I have no recollection of actually falling,I can only guess that I blacked out or fainted,whatever you want to call it,whatever happened,it was pretty frightening. My doctor wants me to have some more blood work done next Thursday at his office,yes I know,they have enough of my blood to start my own personal blood bank,but my last blood work came back with several hormone readings raised,so,more tests it is. He has also requested from my psychiatrist the results of my last brain scan which was done in November,perhaps then we might start to get some answers. Mentally,my health is deteriorating,with day after day of dark depression and often thoughts of taking that final walk,the last step which would end my pain,and only the thought of leaving my beloved wife has prevented me from trying,my question to myself is,"how long will thoughts of my wife's pain be enough to keep me here?". I am very tired,my days are long and painful for me,the one bright spot is that the disabled agency have now got my reports back and are on the point of making a decision,let us hope that it happens soon as financially we are in a very precarious position. Physically,I have become very weak resulting in me having to use my wheelchair every time I go outside of our home,my wife pushes me without complaint bless her heart,but I still feel as if I am a terrible burden,no matter what she says to the contrary. She does everything around our home,cleaning,cooking,looking after me,I can feel her tiredness,my own thoughts recently have been along the lines of if the final results of all the tests reveal something serious,that perhaps would honestly be a relief for me,if the choice to leave is taken away from me,rather than me having to make it on my own,it would perhaps be easier on my my wife,we shall see in time. Well journal,this entry hasn't been very positive,but,it is simply the way things are right now,so,until the next time,whenever that might be,I remain in the loving embrace of my Father in Heaven,my belief and faith continue to shine like a beacon in a world of darkness,we ask that You continue to walk with us through another day,we ask for Your guidance and strength for just a little longer Father,in the name of Your Most Holy Son Jesus Christ,........Amen.