Saturday, and all is well

Since my last journal, things are much better at work as well as in my life.  I am not experiencing the burnout I was feeling and have really looked at my part in the stress I have been going thru.  I think the 20 years in and out of therapy has been a blessing.  I am now able to analize what is going on and be a better person to myself.  I realize that my childhood and all that I thought I should be to others will take its toll on me if I do not take care of my own needs.  I used to think I was first in line for sainthood.  Well the halo I once wore is tarnished.  What a relief that I cannot be all to everyone.  Too great an expectation on myself.  But...no one in my childhood taught me that I was important.  The expectation was always that I was at fault for their (my foster parents) lack.  I have often wondered what my place was in this family.  Was I the scapegoat, the caretaker of everyone else's feeling, behavior.   Just got a call from a member where I work who was worried about money that was missing when he left the vocational rehab facility.  He and I have some history.  I knew this guy years ago when I had my first depression.  At the time the Catholic Church was having healing services for those who were hurting.  Laying on of hands to heal the wounds.  There is where I met this person.  He was going thru a rough time in his journey as well.  It was my first depression I had experienced in 1974.  At the time my son was 4 years old, the age I was sexually abused by my foster father.  His age triggered all the fear, the despair I felt as a 4 year old being abused.  So he and i have history.  He trusts me and knew he could call to ask for help.  I told him to be gentle with himself.  He was not there when the money was taken so it is out of his hands.  I hung up with him and felt he understand just what he has control over and what he does not.  He, so much like me takes on that attitude, I am guilty, even when I was not guilty of any wrongdoing.  So typical of children living with abuse and dysfunction.  Amazing the things our caretakers instilled in us.  You are wrong no matter what.   And it takes years of reprogramming those messages that we are the screwed up ones when in fact it was the caretakers who never saw their actions as wrong or hurtful, but just took all their anger out on the less fortunate and vunerable, a small, innocent child.  It still amazes me when I look at a child and how innocent that abuse is still going on, children are still being hurt by those that suppossedly love them.  The excuse that they were abused does not work with me.  It will never be an excuse.   I am reminded of the headlines in our local paper.  A guy kills an innocent man, and the defense uses the excuse "he was abused as a child".  Nope, all of us have the opportunity to get help for the abuse we suffered, and to not take that anger out on anyone.  In fact I get mad when I read those kinds of things in the paper.  You either get help, stop hurting others and heal your own wounds.  Only then in therapy will you see just how you were affected and damaged by the abuse.  I never realized I could be my best friend.  I never realized I could love myself.  I never realized I am in full control of my actions and cannot blame any longer the actions of my foster parents as an excuse to not get healthy and to not heal.  Only I can do that.  Guess I had to be sick and tired of being sick and tired to finally take control of my life.  And I did get sick and tired.  So tired of being all to everyone.  I never took care of my needs, because I did not believe my needs were important.  I now see to be an effective person in the lives of others I first need to be effective in my own life.  What a revelation!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I now presently find the victim I once was as a very uncomfortable place to be.   So many times I would play that victim stance because I knew no other way. I was victimized, yes, but in order for others to see me as strong and courageous I must today be assertive and let others know I am not one to be abused verbally or in any way that diminishes me.  I know so well what being diminished feels like.  It sucks.  23 years of that was enough for me to change that which feels like crap now.  I can thank the God I believe in for guiding me to a better place.  A place of healing and serenity.  I still have work, healing work that will always be there to look at and heal.  But I am surely on my way to truly believing who I am and what I want out of life.  I will walk away from those who are not good for my healing.  And I know exactly who those people are.  Just by their actions towards me.  I am grateful for my intuition as well.  I think abused kids have tremendous intuition when it comes to others.  They know who is safe and who is not.  My wounded little child inside of me picks up on meanspirited people and knows not to interact with them. I might not have the  friends I  used to have in my life, but that is okay.  I am a lot more selective about who I choose to hang around with.   Today, my husband and I go to camp in the woods.  I am looking forward to the peace and quiet being there.  At camp I have the opportunity to ride on my golf cart to a hill that overlooks a horse pasture and rolling hills.  It is the place I go to mediatate and talk with God.  A place to thank the God of my understanding of the gifts I have been given, healing being one of them, awareness being another.   Without that awareness I am not sure where I would have ended up.  Surely my faith in a loving God and the assurance that I will be okay has been the greatest gift.   I have much to be grateful for.