Saturday 12/21/2013
So I started reading the Mindful Meditaion book last night. So far it has helped me to allow thoughts and physical feelings of pain to pass by rather then me trying to fight them.
My job is to solve problems and I feel like everything thing no matter what can be solved if I just think about it long and hard enough. The truth is with the physical pain and the mental pain of anxiety/depression its acutally better to just do nothing. The book talks about allowing the physical pain to be as it is. It's not good or bad it just is. Thoughts are like clouds passing overhead. Some are white and fluffy some are dark and full of thunder but letting them pass by rather then trying to fight them is the best way to handle it.
This is going to take practice. It's going to be hard to accept that physical pain may be with me for a long time but I will work on making this something that I have to accept. Being unhappy and negative has been a life long habit. Just like someone who smokes trying to stop a bad habit takes time and patience. I have to try and be gentle with myself. I would get so mad at myself for feeling bad. I would get mad because I was feeling a physical pain that I couldn't control and the doctors can't seem to help.
I suppose it's human nature to want to feel good all of the time but that is not reality. Reality hands us good, bad and everything in between. I just need to accept this as a fact. There is no good or bad then is just the current moment in time.
Once I can get a grasp on this I can move on and begin to learn how to replace negative with positive thoughts. My thoughts toward everything have been so negative for so long it's going to feel very foreign to replace them. I just wonder why it's so hard for people like us to be positive.
I think it's a series of unfortunate events. It's like something negative happens and the next thing you know something else negative happens and so on. Especially in the last 5 years or so my negative to positive life events have been like 5 big negatives to 1 small positive.
I'm looking to change that ratio. I'm going to check out a new church near my house when I get back in Jan. I hope I like it and I hope the people are nice. They have volunteer work that I would like to try. I also want to take the Mediation classes in Feb-Mar. Just to get out of the house and be a bit more social and maybe learn something new.
I just pray to God my physical pain isn't so much that it limits my ability to do what I want to do. I just feel so powerless when it acts up. I pray it at least becomes tolerable over time. I just have to accept it for what it is.
I have to get my hair cut today. My mom is taking me. My anxiety/depression along with the physical pain makes me want to not go but I know that not going is the exact opposite of what I should do! The deamons of pain and depression lie to us. They tell us we can't do anything and to just give up. It can be so easy to just give up when our minds are so cluttered with negative thoughts, feelings of pain and being exhausted from the internal struggle we seem to face 24/7.
I feel better today. Not good but better. I'll take that as a small victory in the face of continued pain and some anxiety about going to get my hair cut. Some day in the near future I'll get this big ship turned. The physical pain is beyond my control but perhaps over time my body and mind will all me to tolerate and that's all I can ask for at this point.
I pray that God will grant me peace in time....
My job is to solve problems and I feel like everything thing no matter what can be solved if I just think about it long and hard enough. The truth is with the physical pain and the mental pain of anxiety/depression its acutally better to just do nothing. The book talks about allowing the physical pain to be as it is. It's not good or bad it just is. Thoughts are like clouds passing overhead. Some are white and fluffy some are dark and full of thunder but letting them pass by rather then trying to fight them is the best way to handle it.
This is going to take practice. It's going to be hard to accept that physical pain may be with me for a long time but I will work on making this something that I have to accept. Being unhappy and negative has been a life long habit. Just like someone who smokes trying to stop a bad habit takes time and patience. I have to try and be gentle with myself. I would get so mad at myself for feeling bad. I would get mad because I was feeling a physical pain that I couldn't control and the doctors can't seem to help.
I suppose it's human nature to want to feel good all of the time but that is not reality. Reality hands us good, bad and everything in between. I just need to accept this as a fact. There is no good or bad then is just the current moment in time.
Once I can get a grasp on this I can move on and begin to learn how to replace negative with positive thoughts. My thoughts toward everything have been so negative for so long it's going to feel very foreign to replace them. I just wonder why it's so hard for people like us to be positive.
I think it's a series of unfortunate events. It's like something negative happens and the next thing you know something else negative happens and so on. Especially in the last 5 years or so my negative to positive life events have been like 5 big negatives to 1 small positive.
I'm looking to change that ratio. I'm going to check out a new church near my house when I get back in Jan. I hope I like it and I hope the people are nice. They have volunteer work that I would like to try. I also want to take the Mediation classes in Feb-Mar. Just to get out of the house and be a bit more social and maybe learn something new.
I just pray to God my physical pain isn't so much that it limits my ability to do what I want to do. I just feel so powerless when it acts up. I pray it at least becomes tolerable over time. I just have to accept it for what it is.
I have to get my hair cut today. My mom is taking me. My anxiety/depression along with the physical pain makes me want to not go but I know that not going is the exact opposite of what I should do! The deamons of pain and depression lie to us. They tell us we can't do anything and to just give up. It can be so easy to just give up when our minds are so cluttered with negative thoughts, feelings of pain and being exhausted from the internal struggle we seem to face 24/7.
I feel better today. Not good but better. I'll take that as a small victory in the face of continued pain and some anxiety about going to get my hair cut. Some day in the near future I'll get this big ship turned. The physical pain is beyond my control but perhaps over time my body and mind will all me to tolerate and that's all I can ask for at this point.
I pray that God will grant me peace in time....
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