Sarah and I are both missing out

It's that time of year; school is wrapping up. I'm seeing happy teenagers on the streets coming home from writing final exams. I have to turn away. It gives me a lump in my throat and even tears in my eyes... Sarah should be one of those teens.She should be celebrating with her friends. She should be celebrating writing the last of the exams and getting ready for Commencement this week.She should be graduating.She's missing out. Last week it hit me pretty hard. I've focusing on helping her, knowing how much she's hurting. Then I had to go to the school to clean out her locker and return textbooks to the office. I spoke with her counselor and then I planned with the office staff for picking up her yearbook this week after report card day so it wouldn't be so zooey in the office.As I was leaving there must have been an exam going on that had just finished because the hallways were filled with kids Sarah's age. I recognized a lot and saw some of her friends.I ducked my head and snuck out a side door. I couldn't look them in the face and handle smiling and saying hi or, heaven forbid, being asked how Sarah was doing.By the time I got to the car I was crying.I got home and went to my room for privacy and let myself bawl. I am hurting.I should be preparing to watch her graduate, to watch her cross the stage and receive her diploma, all dressed in cap and gown. I would be sitting there with my parents, as I have with each of her brothers, getting teary and all proud but this time it would be my last child and I would have had mixed feelings of accomplishment, pride and a bit of sadness.I've imagined this so many times.We've both been cheated.Instead I emptied her locker in a quiet hallway and brought home her binders.I'll pick up her yearbook and put it away until she's ready to look at it without crying.Not the yearend this should have been.