Same old things

I am running out of whatever it is that makes life worth it.  I have no one who is in my corner emotionally.  My recuperation is stagnating to the point where I cannot see a lot of progress week to week.  My back is bothering me and my weight is up making everything harder to do.  I would say I am tired but I am not really doing anything that I would consider capable of causing this.

I just feel so alone.  When I say this, I am not talking about physically being alone.  I actually like my solitude and feel more comfortable at home by myself.  The lonliness is not one of company physically, it is one of not having anyone who really knows how I feel inside.  I have many 'friends' who I do enjoy time with.  It is just that my relationships with these people is not one that is deeply personal.  If anything, I would poison these friendships if I were to bring too much of my emotional energy into them.  I say this based on how I have seen otheres react to someone's emotions.  You see, you can have lots of friends who never know you completely.  Prerhaps these are acquaintances.  A close friend and one who you are comfortable sharing your innermost secrets with is a rare and precious person.  The type of relationship between friends that allows this comes maybe once or twice in a lifetime.  To have someone who has your back emotionally is an empowering thing.  This allows you to let some of the things in life that are or have bothered you or hurt or abused you.  Someone to share the bad and who understands and believes in you.  This should be a symbiotic relationship for it to last.  Therapists will listen and provide the sounding board so you can release the demons in your soul but they are not your friend; ever. 

Having this feeling of being alone bottles up a lot of negative energy and clouds my day to day life.  My outlook is gloomy and I do not look forward to the next day at all.  The high point of my day is always my first sip of coffee.  after that it is all downhill.  That first cup of coffee is the only thing I can do that makes me feel like I am in control of my life.  Everything else is a reaction to my cirxumstances.  I realize that control is to a great extent an illusion but life is a compromise of things and this is a mental awareness and not the physical existence.  I have proven to myself that you can survive physically despite harsh and difficult circumstances.  Living and breathing is not what anyone's goals are.  My goals are more mental than anything else.  Without emotional happiness, no amount of contentment will support a life longterm.

I am intelligent enough to recognize that my happiness is predicated on my feeling satisfied emotionally.  I also know that the older I get the more I understand that I need a sounding board for my feelings.  I cannot survive in a vacuum emotionally.  I suppose there are those who can live with their emotions bottled up and they can be happy with this.  I cannot.

I am growing tired of this constant struggle within my mind and heart.  The struggle is the challenge to find a rteason to continue my existence.  I am not desparate or in crisis but I am seeing a dwindling of hope and the erosion of confidence of a better day to come. 

I don't know if it is the grind of not knowing what will happen to me regarding my infections and my difficult recuperation or if it is a medication issue that is allowing me to slide down the hill.  I am seeking a sustenance for my soul that I am not finding.  A 'legitamacy' that validates me in my own mind.  Something that says I am OK.

I have to stop as I am crying and this will just start spiraling around the drain if I keep going on.  Ignorance is bliss; for a while anyways.