Same Old Shit, Different Year
Man, I haven't been on here for over a year. A lot of crazy shit has happened to me in that year: the engagement, the 7 month battle with the large hole in my leg, illness after illness, my new job. But despite all that, I am still exhibiting the same behaviors and I am stuck in the same rut.
I passed last semester with flying colors. This semester I am failing and will have to medically withdraw and I might lose my grant money. Although I have been in the hospital four times in the last 7 months and I have been fighting a barrage of various illnesses, I still feel like I've majorly failed. My teachers offered me help and I took it. But then I got sick one thing after another and I have fallen so far behind that I am scared to check my email. And I haven't since spring break, knowing full well that school ends next week.
I've been depressed about my future and my health. And my relationship, despite being engaged, I keep analyzing everything in our relationship. I get overwhelmed with waves of doubt here and there, which worry me so much. Am I making the right decision? Am I settling just because our lives are so intertwined? Can we have love and marriage if there's no sexual connection?
Honestly, our sex life is horrible. I feel unwanted and beyond undesirable. All these different medications have caused me to gain a substantial amount of weight, but I have begun to work hard to reverse it. And I've lost 9 pounds so far. But for now, I'm still gross, even with clothes on.
No matter how much he tells me he is attracted to me, I do not at all believe it. It honestly seems so forced. I can tell when he's lying or saying something just to get the conversation to end. I'm hoping things change when I lose all my weight, but idk. I'll have to stay that way for the rest of my life if I want attention from him I'm guessing.
I passed last semester with flying colors. This semester I am failing and will have to medically withdraw and I might lose my grant money. Although I have been in the hospital four times in the last 7 months and I have been fighting a barrage of various illnesses, I still feel like I've majorly failed. My teachers offered me help and I took it. But then I got sick one thing after another and I have fallen so far behind that I am scared to check my email. And I haven't since spring break, knowing full well that school ends next week.
I've been depressed about my future and my health. And my relationship, despite being engaged, I keep analyzing everything in our relationship. I get overwhelmed with waves of doubt here and there, which worry me so much. Am I making the right decision? Am I settling just because our lives are so intertwined? Can we have love and marriage if there's no sexual connection?
Honestly, our sex life is horrible. I feel unwanted and beyond undesirable. All these different medications have caused me to gain a substantial amount of weight, but I have begun to work hard to reverse it. And I've lost 9 pounds so far. But for now, I'm still gross, even with clothes on.
No matter how much he tells me he is attracted to me, I do not at all believe it. It honestly seems so forced. I can tell when he's lying or saying something just to get the conversation to end. I'm hoping things change when I lose all my weight, but idk. I'll have to stay that way for the rest of my life if I want attention from him I'm guessing.
Replies
Honestly, if you are unhappy, then perhaps you should put off any long term plans as far as the relationship goes. Just go day by day, no need to force something like a marriage if you feel like it might be something you\'d regret later