same old me

i torment myself all the time. am i doing the right thing. why am i alive. should i have a life outside of being a mom and working myself to death. i struggle hard day to day. i just want to be a mom and lost all my rights and it fn kills me. my ex husband is a horrible horrible man but i love my children more than life itself but constantly struggle with wanting more. wanting a love life and a new home and leaving them would kill me but im so damn crazy sometimes. i have no say and he plays with my emotions all the time saying i cant see them i dont support them enough. im finally finding strength to stand up to him but not enough. my kids have  been through hell. im so tired and torn and have a really kind supportive woman in my life but she lives over hour away and know without a doubt her home is mine i just get so sad some days because life is hard. just venting just me.