Safe Place
I come here when I don't know who to talk to - I come here because of no judgement - I come here when I feel like crawling into a corner with the hopes I will disappear. I come here.........
I have alot right now that I am trying to get a handle on so that I can function.....Yesterday the school shooting in Florida triggered many different things in my heart and head. We all know the path of a mom who finds herself here, so sad. The 19 y/o kid who was the shooter - many things were said last night that I can identify with, with Hunter. He has mental issues that have manifested themselves in horrific ways and it hurts my heart deeply to feel that, that could have been him.......People say such mean and hurtful things about everyone involved, not knowing that my grandson has demonstrated some acts (not shootings), but certainly acts that raise red flags to many....do others know, that my heart is heavy? I feel as if I am just waiting for Hunter to act impulsively, and in one instant, his life would be over.....18 in December.......He is in treatment now, in a safe environment, getting help....but will it be enough? My loneliness has crept up again, tears are on the edge, I feel as if I'm carrying a 100 lb weight on my shoulders.....Would it have been different if I had him living with me? Did I cause these issues by not having him live with me? I feel as if I am living under an umbrella of people judging me as a grandmother, when in my gut and heart as sad it makes me, that I am not able to provide what Hunter needs....I'm there once a week for him, call him, but sometimes I feel like an outsider.....is it his emotional detachment? Just so sad and heavy....it is like a hamster wheel, keeps going around and around.....I should have, I could have, I DIDN'T.......
Then there is Jim telling me he is jealous of me - the fact that I will have a pension and social security.....he has just his social security...and he is still working his business of structural steel @ 72 and he's tired, but he wants to make me happy so he will keep going....working....paying for stuff...You see we have always had a relationship that our money is separate, certain bills we pay together, but we are separate..blah blah blah.....He cycles sometimes and because of his own struggles with his age, being tired and working so much that he will take it out on me emotionally........I woke up this morning to a letter - basically saying he wants to be better....wants to not hurt me with words.....wants to......you see, sisters, I've heard it all before......he is pretty narcisstic - always a condition, even if unspoken, to whatever he does for someone......and yet, he can be the best guy in the world with such a good heart - he's a firefighter, right? but does he do it for the kudos? He said, you are a better person that me, you are so much better....I hesitate to tell you all of this, because, if you ever meet him, I want no pre-judgement...maybe just a wink that you get it and understand.......bad night last night.......feeling tired, eyes swollen from crying......now dealing with kids who truly believe their world is caving in......:)
Well, I come here to write.....helps release the steam from my pressure cooker......love you sisters of my heart. Always, Jennifer's mom.
Replies
I am feeling with you dearest Vicki, and am grateful that you are sharing your heart and feelings as you are. People will always judge and what matters most is that you don't jump on the band wagon with them and become the harsh judger of yourself. I have no doubt that you are standing by Hunter doing all that you can and that to stay in this present moment and not project into the future is the only thing that I know of that can get any of us off that hamster wheel. Of course this act of violence triggers all kinds of feelings for you about Hunter as that is so very understandable. Today, Hunter is receiving help and that is what matters. His challenges are being faced and no one is in denial over them or placing a temporary Band-Aid. This counts for a lot, my friend, truly it does.
Dear Jim... Lots of loving care to the two of you always.
I am holding this with you and you are not alone. Please continue to nurture yourself as best as you are able and remember that you don't have to pick up any one else's back pack of rocks. It's time to start tossing out one or two of our own out along the way.
Loving care and the tightest of heartfelt hugs to Jennifer's mom from Douglas and me.
XO Joanie
Oh my sweet SOTH....I hear the pain and fear and frustration through your words. Deep, heavy sigh...
My heart, like yours, is broken over the many lives lost, those wounded, those changed forever, the chaos of it all. Not sure I will ever be able to wrap my head around things like this...it's just TOO much.
I think the same as with addiction and suicide, mental illness needs to be addressed more completely, openly, honestly and the stigma needs to end. It's in ignorance judgements are made, but with education, open hearts and minds, that stigma can change. Will it? Who knows. Humankind is so often very UNkind.
I know we can beat ourselves up over the could haves, should haves...do I do this, do I do that, do I do nothing questions. It's a mental trap I think. Yes, we need to make the best plan of action we are capable of in any given situation, but to second guess ourselves, to be critical of the decisions we made when trying to help, to carry guilt that what we did wasn't enough, are all self-destructive behaviors. There is no doubt in my mind whatsoever you have, and continue, to do the very best you can for Hunter. He is in a safe place today. One of the hardest lessons I've had to learn is to let today be enough. Today my son is sober and alive. Today has to be enough. There are no guarantees that Hunter will or will not do something in the future. Just as there are no guarantees that my son will remain sober in the future. We can't be responsible for the future choices other people make, no matter how much we love them.
I don't want to offer too much in the way of my personal opinions regarding anyone's marriage....that's a mistake you only make once, LOL! But I will say, you and Jim need to have an honest conversation about exactly what it is y'all really want for the rest of your lives. How do you want the picture to look? When you really stop to think about what it is that you MOST want, what would bring the MOST joy, the MOST contentment, the MOST peace into your home and marriage, what does that look like? Then, take the steps necessary to put that into action and paint the picture of your true heart's desire. And yes, of course if/when I meet Jim I'll give him a big ole country girl hug and call him Mr. Handsome!
I hope by writing you've felt some release and a sense of peace as you've exhaled it all out to the universe. I love you sweetie pie and if you need to talk, you've got my number.
Take care of YOU!
Vicki, such devastating news hits us moms hard knowing what the moms and dads of the victims in Florida are experiencing. And I know your fears for Hunter. In Al-Anon they say, "Just for today", those words give me peace in situations. For me, I have been saying regarding my granddaughter, "Just for today, I will not worry, today she is safe." Perhaps those words will help you? "Just for today, I will not worry, Hunter is safe in a program receiving treatment." No one knows what the future will hold, just hang on to today. And you're a devoted grandmother, don't doubt until yourself. I find the grandparent role tough. All of the worry now that Ed has left for heaven but none of the power. You are doing the best you can for Hunter and that is all you can do.
Ken & I keep our finances separate too. I own the condo & it will go to my grandchildren one day, not to Ken's kids. I bought it before we were married, pay for it, maintain it so that's how it is. Sometimes finances are a source of conflict for us too. I'm sorry you and your husband are experiencing these stressors.. I hope it settles down. I'm glad you came here to share and let it out. It's a good place, a safe place.
Tight hugs, sending lots of love to you and your beautiful Jennifer, Linda ♡
Should have read "don't doubt yourself "
I don't know why this phone adds extra words sometimes.
Hugs xoxo
I have no wisdom of words as your plate seems as full and stressful as mine. I'm sorry your hurting, I do think the responses above me are all intelligent, logical and hopeful. I love Joanies words of not picking up anyone elses sack of rocks, yet the motherness in us always wants us to take care of everybody and everything. You aren't failing anybody, if you didn't do for him, he would be worse off.
Finances are almost always a sticking point in relationships regardless of how their handled, all I know is you can't take it with you.
I send bunches of hugs, pallets of strength, and pillows of peace to surround you. Hope your load lightens quickly. XXOO
I can only imagine the turmoil you are in.
I just want you to know that you are doing the right things. You are there for Hunter. It sounds like you have a great relationship. He is getting treatment. No need to second guess yourself. We all do the best we can with what we know. I can say there is no judgement here! You are a wonderful, caring, loving grandmother!
As for your husband, no judgement there either. I hear the frustration but none of us is perfect and I doubt you would have married him if he didn't have good qualities. Stressful times bring out the worst in us. I suspect he is tired - I am 72 and doing a small contract job and I am tired. I also have to admit that I tend to be a bit jealous of my rich neighbours. Not my best quality, but it is what it is. They are wonderful friends and I love them - but.... At the end of the day, it is his choice to continue to work.
As Lynette said, you are not failing anyone.
Sending you love and tight hugs. Marlene
We have big shoulders, but people do not realize that it does not make weight easier to bear...gentle care, AnnM
I totally understand, you coming here to vent. I am coming back here for the same reason. It is hard to navigate this new DS, but I am determined to do it. Please, don't second guess yourself. You have been and are continuing to do the very best you can for Hunter. It is wonderful, that he is safe and getting the care he needs. As for Jim, he just sounds tired and maybe a little frustrated. Hold tight to him and your marriage. You need each other.
(((((HUGS))))), Julia
Hunter is getting help, the kid in Ft Lauderdale did not get any help from anyone. I do hope Hunter will be taught how deal with his demons not acting on the bad but focus on the good. One day at a time my friend.
tight hugs
Penny