Sadness and drama
Gosh....just trying to pick a feeling for this entry was hard.....I wanted to put rambling, but venting would work too. Too bad they didn't have one called crazy family crap!
My mother passed away Friday March 23.......where do I start?
we were never all that close.....she divorced my dad 44 years ago and I was raised by my grandparents and my dad. She went out and had her own life.....I would see her on birthdays and holidays. I guess you could say she was like the fun aunt who came to visit every once in a while and that was it.
I have so many mixed emotions right now I think I might exploded.....I am sad because she was ill for quite a while and she was having a very hard time recently. I am also angry because she has cut me out of everything.....she named someone else executor of her estate and my cousin...her nephew are making all the decisions.....I am her only child. But what did I expect she didn't do anything for me while she was alive so why should I expect that would change when she died.
She was always crying to her friends that we had no relationship and oh poor her.....she always made it seem like I was the one that wouldn't make an effort.....my only stipulation to her was that she not contact me when she was drinking! I would not put up with the middle of the night drunken rants.....so that made me the bad guy. She is the one that cut herself out of our lives.....everything was always about her.....she even had the nerve to say to me that I needed to come and see her because she wasn't doing well....(this was ayear ago) while I was in Toronto having the tests done for a lung transplant for goodness sake......she didn't ask me how I was doing!
So I keep going back and forth between feeling angry and then feeling bad because I'm angry! There are a lot of hurt feelings in there too. I'm not able to vent much because we have out of town family staying with us.....the funeral is Friday, we had to push it back so that everyone had a chance to get here.....she comes from a large family.
My daughter will be home on Thursday.....having her here will be a comfort. My son couldn't get the time nor does he have the money to travel again.....I don't think he really wanted to either.....I really don't blame him, in a way I wish I could get away and not deal with all these emotions and all the crap....
Hopefully the nice weather will be here soon and I can get the hammock up and do some meditating and come to terms with this and maybe finally be able to put this to rest!
My mother passed away Friday March 23.......where do I start?
we were never all that close.....she divorced my dad 44 years ago and I was raised by my grandparents and my dad. She went out and had her own life.....I would see her on birthdays and holidays. I guess you could say she was like the fun aunt who came to visit every once in a while and that was it.
I have so many mixed emotions right now I think I might exploded.....I am sad because she was ill for quite a while and she was having a very hard time recently. I am also angry because she has cut me out of everything.....she named someone else executor of her estate and my cousin...her nephew are making all the decisions.....I am her only child. But what did I expect she didn't do anything for me while she was alive so why should I expect that would change when she died.
She was always crying to her friends that we had no relationship and oh poor her.....she always made it seem like I was the one that wouldn't make an effort.....my only stipulation to her was that she not contact me when she was drinking! I would not put up with the middle of the night drunken rants.....so that made me the bad guy. She is the one that cut herself out of our lives.....everything was always about her.....she even had the nerve to say to me that I needed to come and see her because she wasn't doing well....(this was ayear ago) while I was in Toronto having the tests done for a lung transplant for goodness sake......she didn't ask me how I was doing!
So I keep going back and forth between feeling angry and then feeling bad because I'm angry! There are a lot of hurt feelings in there too. I'm not able to vent much because we have out of town family staying with us.....the funeral is Friday, we had to push it back so that everyone had a chance to get here.....she comes from a large family.
My daughter will be home on Thursday.....having her here will be a comfort. My son couldn't get the time nor does he have the money to travel again.....I don't think he really wanted to either.....I really don't blame him, in a way I wish I could get away and not deal with all these emotions and all the crap....
Hopefully the nice weather will be here soon and I can get the hammock up and do some meditating and come to terms with this and maybe finally be able to put this to rest!
Replies
Brunob,I can really empathize with you and what your going through.
After I left home at age 16,that ended any type of connection/relationship I had with my family of origin. My mother died a few years ago and like your mother she left everything to my brother. He was the good one,me the bad one.
In a dysfunctional family,when anyone leaves this \"system\" they become suspect and the \"bad guy\".
Like your mom its was All about my Mom and her pain never about mine. I was there to meet her needs and not mine and when I broke free of her way of being and thinking,I was labeled selfish and hurtful.
It hurts,it did me to be left out of her life and will,I knew that she would do just as she did but a small part of me thought she might have a change of heart.
I just wanted to share my feelings and experiences here with you not go on about myself. To let you know your not alone
I think its understandable what your feelings,the going back and forth from anger to sadness. Grief is like that and I think what ever your feeling its okay. You have a right to feel what you feel. It hurts. I am sorry she hurt you like this,but it sounds to me like you have a loving family of your own. That you are a loving Mother with your own children and you did not repeat patterns and behaviors that was modeled to you by your own mother.
I think its healthy and a good solid boundary to set in telling her you won\'t talk or be around her when she is drinking. That\'s healthy.
I am sorry for you hurt and loss. I hope that the funeral goes smoothly and that soon you will be in your hammock and enjoying some peace. Hugs
My deepest sympathies for your loss and I hope you are able to find some peace in the havoc of the next couple weeks.
My mother passed away February 9th after a long and difficult battle with cancer. Like you, my mother and I weren\'t really close, but my parents we not divorced. My mom had many issues, thankfully she was a diabetic and could not drink, but she smoked like a chimney, ate a horrid diet, and did nothing to keep herself healthy Save for going to her Dr apts. I tried to help and I was always giving her positive encouragement, I wanted her to live. A year before she was dx\'d with cancer I spearheaded an intervention, the whole family agreed that she wouldn\'t be alive in five years if she kept on the same path. It was a nightmare, she locked herself in her room, refused her meds and food, and wouldn\'t hear anyone out. The next morning everyone woke up like it had never happened and went on with their lives. I stuck to my guns, trying to help my mom live a healthier life for me an my kids and my sisters and everyone else who loves her. Four years later, she died, and my family wants to blame me because I predicted it. My mother always made it about herself as well and I really wouldn\'t have had a problem with her health complaints if she was taking steps to improve it, but she was sabotaging herself and it was hard for me to be supportive of her \"choice\" to live that way. In the end, I am angry that she couldn\'t care as much about herself as I did because she would still be here, but I know that the choices I made along the way were the right ones at the time, and I have no regrets.
You are grieving, and that it natural. Let yourself feel the loss and understand your anger. Don\'t dwell on it though, we cannot change ppl. Forgiving your mother may not be easy, but moving past this and finding a way to make yourself stronger for it is rewarding. This wound is still fresh, and hopefully you will gain some closure. At the funeral, say what is in your heart during the visitation, not to everyone, just to her. Let your anger for the way she lived her life be buried (or cremated) with her. Move forward in life knowing firsthand the way you dont want your life to turn out. Then give your daughter a big hug.
I think when something traumatic as this occurs in any family emotions are always on a total 360 spin. I think though that it could be wise not to even try to over analyze your feelings right now. If you have someone close to you to talk with spend some quiet time with that friend & help your heart to unburden a bit.
I had a friend who this past yr & gone thru a very similar circumstance & it ended up being a total godsend that she was out of the family loop because boy between arrangements & wills & etc. etc. world war 3 almost errupted in that family.
I think it\'s wise for you to thru the sevice to say what you need to to her & make peace with her so you can move on & up in life.
I remember last years visit and the lack of progress from it. She never showed you that she wanted to be your mom. Be grateful for your wonderful father and grandparents. I\'m very glad that your daughter can be there to help support you. When the family leaves, you can quit acting like she was the worlds greatest mom. Let the feelings run their course. Release the guilt, you have every right to your anger. You are loved and cherished. Never forget it. Hugs to you.
I was raised by my father, a stable loving man, after having endured the nightmare that was my mother\'s life for 13 years.
As a young adult I reconnected with her, not she to me. As far as contact I could have been dead and buried for months, if not years, without her knowing if I had not contacted her. I then disappeared for 10 years For the 1st half of my marriage my in-laws didn\'t realize I had family other than my Dad. I\'ve 2 sisters and 1 brother, all older.
When my mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer it was me she contacted. I became her medical advocate and handled her affairs, including her funeral, while the rest of her family drank and got high. Her morphine pills disappeared and the doctor put her on a patch, no one could steal that. I actually stayed in a hotel at night for sleep because Meth and crazy people scare me, even when they\'re my own flesh and blood.
Anyway, on and on I could go. Adult day care while going over end of life choices with my tiny little f*d up mom.
Suffice it to say, I feel for you Beth. Know that once this is over you have your hammock and your peace and will be able to decompress and go through the grief process.
You are in my thoughts and prayers and I wish nothing but the best for you and much strength and comfort.
As SleepyT wrote, \" you are in my thoughts and prayers and I wish nothing but the best for you and much strength and comfort\". Hoping this week will be a new beginning for you.
Beth, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I know that you have had to deal with the loss (or absence) of your Mom and probably are revisiting old griefs as well as having to deal with the arrangements and any new grief that her passing may have caused. It\'s crazy that the DYS in dysfunctional famiies seems to fester at funerals. Wish I knew what to say or do to make it easier for you. I know that losing your Dad was tougher as you feel his loss daily but with her passing it is like closing a chapter on your life and all the possibilities are over so there is yet more grief to be done for all the If(s) that call with our parents passing.
I do wish you peace in your spirit and rest for your body as I am sure it felt like a circus no matter how well it went. And I agree with KneeDeep that the best you could do for both of your parents was turn out to be a loving parent to your own children. Thankfully, you just had the trip to Belize and those memories can help remind you that you are a great Mom.
I am so mind tripping about that hammock again! That hammock and an ereader.. sounds like another kind of paradise.
Love you my friend... If you need me.. you know where I am.
Peace, Love and Hugs
sorry to hear of your mother passing. my prayers are with all of you.
your family sounds a lot like ours, except we have a lot of divorce in general. my mom would fight for custody and then leave to be a flower child, or leave for 3 years of missing, or leave to a state that i can\'t live in for health reasons and then try to get me there anyway....i haven\'t felt a speck of guilt about her though...the older i get the more contempt if have for bad behavior. people are just people, it doesn\'t matter if they are a blood relative, except medically that can matter.
sounds like your mother had narcisstic personality disorder. there is a support group for that. also the way she treated you even now, negligence and disregard is toxic, its a form of abuse. don\'t want to journal on your journal, i have so many thoughts on this.
hope the meditation helps and that the death brings closure. xxoo