Sadness
Sadness has overcome me again..I do not know why that I am back feeling like I am at the beginning again...I felt I had made a big step..when at the 18 month of Ken being gone..we did the balloon launch..we celebrated his birthday..and it seemed instead of this year it helping, it seemed it just made me return to the sadness I was when Ken first passed away...I hate more than anything to know I can't go see him...It is the impossible thought for a mother to feel...I think we go through times that it seems we are better..than something..happens and I am not even sure we know what that something is...but it throws us backwards..
I know I miss talking to Ken so much...I want to cry but feel I have to hold it all in..I was so looking forward to seeing his son play football this Friday..I had yet figured out what to do with mom..but bless his heart he got a concussion and has a sinus infection so he will be off the week....
I just wish Ken's wife would talk to me...maybe that would make it easier I don't know...at least though now his son is text me...an answered prayer...
I know one thing that is hurting me so much is how proud Ken was of his son..Each time we would go visit Ken would always start by saying "Look how tall Woody is getting"..I won't hear those words from Ken again...now I am crying I am finally alone in the living room typing this and the tears are flowing..Maybe I need this cry...
I have such a hard time understanding why Ken or any of our children had to go...People always want to say but he is happy..he is in a better place...which I want to believe that but if we totally believed that we would never fear death...
I would have never wanted to see him continue in the pain he was in...or for it to have gotten worse...but it just sure does hurt and it don't seem there is a thing to do about the pain but just let it be there...
I got a comment about feeling down and that they had looked back at some of my journals and seemed I was or had taken some steps forward...I too felt I had...then out of no where comes the pain again...I don't he the answers..I don't know why sometimes it feels we can get through it..then it suddenly is back to the beginning and feeling we are crawling out again...
Someday maybe it will be where it is not so sad...they say the 2 year is sometimes harder ...well Dec 30 will be the end of the 2nd year...maybe it just takes that time...I don't know..
I hope this does not sound bad but moving mom in with me seems to make it harder on me...maybe just some of her actions takes me back to when Ken couldn't talk..not that she can't talk..it's just different..she is not the mom I used to have or know and that is hard...
Sometimes I think if there was just a pill we could take that would let us only remember the good...the happy...the life would always be good...but guess that is not what life is about....
I wish I could say I was still doing good..going forward...yet I feel I have fell so far behind again...I wish I knew what would be best for my mom...would she be better in a home with others her age...can we take this and maintain it..feeling like I should..Her memory is so bad...I yet to figure out how that the state of Ky says she can't be in the nursing home...She was happy there...I know that is where she would loved to be but we don't know how to get her back there...We are going to try to talk to someone today (that is my sister) and see what we could or can do. I really have no answers for that either...I guess I just have no answers...
Maybe this is just living...
I know I miss talking to Ken so much...I want to cry but feel I have to hold it all in..I was so looking forward to seeing his son play football this Friday..I had yet figured out what to do with mom..but bless his heart he got a concussion and has a sinus infection so he will be off the week....
I just wish Ken's wife would talk to me...maybe that would make it easier I don't know...at least though now his son is text me...an answered prayer...
I know one thing that is hurting me so much is how proud Ken was of his son..Each time we would go visit Ken would always start by saying "Look how tall Woody is getting"..I won't hear those words from Ken again...now I am crying I am finally alone in the living room typing this and the tears are flowing..Maybe I need this cry...
I have such a hard time understanding why Ken or any of our children had to go...People always want to say but he is happy..he is in a better place...which I want to believe that but if we totally believed that we would never fear death...
I would have never wanted to see him continue in the pain he was in...or for it to have gotten worse...but it just sure does hurt and it don't seem there is a thing to do about the pain but just let it be there...
I got a comment about feeling down and that they had looked back at some of my journals and seemed I was or had taken some steps forward...I too felt I had...then out of no where comes the pain again...I don't he the answers..I don't know why sometimes it feels we can get through it..then it suddenly is back to the beginning and feeling we are crawling out again...
Someday maybe it will be where it is not so sad...they say the 2 year is sometimes harder ...well Dec 30 will be the end of the 2nd year...maybe it just takes that time...I don't know..
I hope this does not sound bad but moving mom in with me seems to make it harder on me...maybe just some of her actions takes me back to when Ken couldn't talk..not that she can't talk..it's just different..she is not the mom I used to have or know and that is hard...
Sometimes I think if there was just a pill we could take that would let us only remember the good...the happy...the life would always be good...but guess that is not what life is about....
I wish I could say I was still doing good..going forward...yet I feel I have fell so far behind again...I wish I knew what would be best for my mom...would she be better in a home with others her age...can we take this and maintain it..feeling like I should..Her memory is so bad...I yet to figure out how that the state of Ky says she can't be in the nursing home...She was happy there...I know that is where she would loved to be but we don't know how to get her back there...We are going to try to talk to someone today (that is my sister) and see what we could or can do. I really have no answers for that either...I guess I just have no answers...
Maybe this is just living...
Replies
Sandi, you have echoed the feelings of many a mom here at FMO. I have wondered how I could go forward and have this feeling of something likened to healing and yet go back to the freshness of my grief at any moment. It describes grief to a \"T\".....it is never over...it just teases us throughout our lives until we come to our own end here....I look forward so much to being in Heaven with our children. Ken did a lot of good work as a pastor and minister. Think on these things if you can when it hits the hardest. What a wonderful mom you are to have his legacy as a gift. I wish there was a way to make this hurt go away for good....but it just raises its ugly head whenever it feels like it but we have managed to cope thusfar with the help of God.
I know the frustration you are facing about your mother. You have a lot on your plate but I am sure that you will find the solution that is right for your mom and for you. Much love and hugs....dale, brandon\'s mom
Hey Sandi, I wish I had some profound words of wisdom to give you that would make it all better....but, all if know for sure is that some days are better than others and I have come to be grateful for the peaks and just try to be mindful of the valleys so I don\'t trip and fall too hard on my fanny! And, some days I am better at accomplishing this than others....and so it goes....peace and love to help you through today\'s valley. Suzzanne
You are not alone in your feelings Sandi. 3 years is coming up for me in November and I too cannot feel happiness on her birthday or angel day...I know everyone heals differently and the journey is unique for each person...maybe we expect more of ourselves because we hear how much better the other mothers are doing....It\'s just a fact that we will do it in our own time. I never thought I\'d stop crying on a daily basis but I have....Oh sure, I still cry and bawl sometimes but at least it isn\'t everyday....tiny baby steps, we can\'t rush this thing called grief!!! Love, Connie
Dear Sandi,
You are doing what we all do and when we are down then please know it won\'t stay like that. Taking care of your mom has added stress so of course you are more depressed. Even when you feel you are not moving forward you really are. Even when we are sad or overwhelmed we are exactly where we should be for that moment in time. Hugs, Inga
I know that for me the 2nd year was worse than the first... almost like terrible two\'s that kids go through... third year was better and now that I am entering my 4th, time will tell...
Hugs and know that you are not along dear Sandi,
MaryLou
I think you are feeling compounded grief, perhaps without even being consciously aware of it, though you have articulated very clearly a number of sources of continued stress on your overburdened psyche. Ken\'s widow, your daughter-in-law not speaking to you. Your grandson\'s concussion and sinus infection (watch out for those middle school and high school sports!). Passing Ken\'s 18 month mark and rapidly approaching two years. And, I think, most especially, watching your Mom as time catches up with her plus being her primary caretaker. Any one of these situations can bring you down. Compounded together ~ the weight can feel overwhelming.
I am a couple of months into my third year and I, too, recently have had extended periods of feeling like I\'ve made little or no progress. Yet, when you do look back, realistically, at how you were feeling and behaving a year and a half ago, right after losing sweet Ken, you will realize that, though the down periods come, at times more painfully than ever, you are better able to smile, to laugh, to enjoy those around you, to focus on to-do lists, to bounce back from these down periods.
Remember ~ you were numb and in shock for a good deal of the first year or more ~ now the pain is not protected by this coating of numbness so it feels worse but is actually a sign of healing ~ kind of like when you scrape off a scab and it bleeds and stings worse than ever, but the bleeding helps cleanse the wound and you can see that the scarring underneath is getting thicker and stronger, replacing your original skin with something different but protective nonetheless ~ a new covering that will enable you to function almost \"normally\" ~ of course, you will never stop missing Ken, not even for a millisecond, but the protective coating will help you to enjoy once again.
Hang in there ~ you can do it!!!
Sending love and tender hugs ~ Debbie
I read all the comments and agree. But I believe Debbie said it best....Gentle hugs my dear friend, Pat
Sandi we all have set backs. It\'s ok to cry. Don\'t try to hold it in;. You have a lot going on right now with having to take care of your Mom. My analogy is this -- I have a full cup of emotions filled with sorrow and anything that comes my way makes the cup overflow. I\'m to the point now I\'m able to handle life as long as there isn\'t anything disturbing added to it, and I believe that\'s where you are too. Anything, anything at all, makes my cup overflow. Sending you love ..hope I can catch you on chat one day soon, it\'s been too long. Terry
Sandi, your tears are tears I too have cried...thinking I am moving forward and things are gettings better, only to have fallen back into despair. Crying is normal and I find it is even healing. Don\'t deny your emotions, expressing them is what helps you get stronger. I have found that each time I fall back into the depths of sadness, I have a little more strength to climb back up knowing that I still have something to give to this world... I have hopes for my only remaining son with whom I have a stronger bond than ever before. I get happiness from the puppy I got who actually makes me laugh again (who knew she could do that for me). I find peace by walking outdoors and breathing the beauty of nature. I find strength from the women here at FMO who so totally relate. Cry when you need to and know Ken is always by your side to hear what is in your heart. Be gentle with yourself, dear lady. I will be with you in your journey. Hugs, Amber
We need to cry, it is a way of cleansing. Don\'t hold back on your tears, they will find a way out anyway. Life is a gut renching rollercoaster ride. Up and downs twists and turns. I hate rollercoasters.
As time goes by your grandson will grow closer to you. You are the connection to his Dad. If you can follow in Kens footsteps by being involved with Woody\'s activities. This may help get you out of your dark hole, it is worth a try. I hope this helps I know my grandkids perk me up.
Hugs Penny